So I Married An Axe Murderer

Screenplay

It’s not especially well known, but basically Mike Myers didn’t like the original screenplay for the movie and with his friend Neil Mullarkey made a number of changes to the script. Ultimately those changes were accepted but they didn’t receive proper credit. I hope to find the version of the screenplay that we see in the movie, but for now here is another version that’s been floating around the net for a while.

Here is the HTML markup converted from the plain text to HTML with Textplay. A useful tool for anyone working with the Fountain format.

FADE IN:

OPEN ON:

MONTAGE OF VARIOUS SHOTS OF SAN FRANCISCO - DUSK

Over this we hear a recording of Jack Kerouac’s poem, San Francisco which is accompanied by a BE-BOP trio. Kerouac’s poetry coincides with the various shots of San Francisco. We come to a sign for Jack Kerouac Street. We PAN OVER to “THE CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE” and continue along to the ALLEYWAY where there is a large high-contrast black and white sign depicting Jack Kerouac in his famous “I’m looking into the distance, having a brilliant thought” pose…

CHARLIE MACKENZIE, in his late twenties, wearing a flannel shirt and torn jeans, walks INTO THE FRAME, right in front of the picture of Jack Kerouac and inadvertently strikes the exact same pose. We PULL BACK to reveal that Charlie has a bag of garbage in his right hand, which he deposits in the alleyway. We FOLLOW Charlie into…

INT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE

We FOLLOW him through the store. By day he is the Assistant Manager, by night he is a poet.

A MAN in his fifties, wearing a beret and a goatee is reading, Charles Bukowski’s, Playing The Piano Like a Percussive Instrument, Until Your Fingers Begin To Bleed A Bit.

Charlie takes his place behind the cash register and resumes writing in his handsome leather-bound poetry journal.

CHARLIE
(sotto)
O’ SCOTLAND YOUR SUCKLED TEET OF SHAME

CUSTOMER approaches.

CUSTOMER
Do you have the book On The Road by Jack Kerouac?

Every day there is a steady stream of tourists who come in to get copies of On The Road. Charlie is use to this and without looking up he points to a huge, well marked display of thousands of copies of On The Road. Another TOURIST COUPLE approach.

TOURIST
Do you have a copy of On The Road by Jack Kerouac?

Again not looking up, Charlie just points.

TOURIST
Thanks.

EXT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE - NIGHT

Charlie puts the “CLOSED” sign on the door and proceeds to walk home.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREETS

The sights and the sounds of the city are accentuated by the BEBOP as he sees life, warts and all. As the streets become less populated, he can now hear the sounds of his own FOOTSTEPS and, a COUPLE BICKERING. The streets become even more deserted. The night is closing in on him. A cat darts out from an alleyway and startles him. He quickens his pace. RUMBLINGS make him cross the street to avoid the danger. Headlights of a slow moving car approach from the distance. Charlie, frightened, turns another corner onto:

HIS STREET

He approaches a 3-story Victorian home, in which he has an apartment on the second floor, he notices a light on in his window. A CRASHING sound from within.

CUT TO:

HANDS

taking papers out of a desk drawer.

CUT TO:

CHARLIE

carefully opening the front door and then gingerly closing it. He reaches for a baseball bat in a nearby umbrella stand. Sound of BREAKING GLASS from his apartment upstairs.

CUT BACK TO:

SHATTERED PICTURE FRAME

with a photo of Charlie and an angelic blonde.

CUT BACK TO:

CHARLIE

finishing off the last two steps nearing the front door of his apartment, bat raised above his head ready to swing.

CUT TO:

THE HANDS

clasp a jewelry box on the top of the dresser and stuff them into a dufflebag; the jewelry is followed by CD’s.

CUT TO:

CHARLIE

pushing open his apartment door in a mock SWAT maneuver, then stealthily stalking toward the sound of the intruder in the bedroom. He stubs his toe on a spring loaded doorstop making a loud metal VITTSWINGGGG’s sound. He freezes, terrified.

CUT TO:

THE BEDROOM

where the HANDS, freeze.

CUT BACK TO:

CHARLIE

Like a coiled jungle cat ready to pounce, waits two beats… then springs Samurai style into…

THE BEDROOM

He freezes.

REVERSE ANGLE TO REVEAL

that the HANDS belong to the angelic blonde in the broken picture. It’s Charlie’s girlfriend, SHERRI.

CHARLIE
Sherri! What are you doing?
SHERRI
I’m leaving you.
CHARLIE
Oh, thank God… I thought you were robbing our own home, because frankly, that’s insane. I mean, what could you possibly gain by robbing your own home? I don’t mean to meddle, but isn’t it better to rob other peoples’ homes? Start accumulating their wealth as opposed to just reaccumulating your own wealth.
SHERRI
That’s not funny, Charlie. I’m really leaving.

She continues to pack. Charlie tries to unpack her things.

CHARLIE
What?! Just because we had a fight last night?
SHERRI
We’ve had a fight every night for two months. Ever since I brought up the subject of marriage, you’ve found fault with everything I do. Why couldn’t we have gotten married, Charlie?
CHARLIE
(beat)
I’m too young to get married.
(begins putting her

things back)

I’m only twenty-nine and a half. We love living together.
SHERRI
It’s been two years now. I need something more.
CHARLIE
See, Sherri, this is frustrating for me, okay. When we first started going out I thought we agreed that we weren’t the sort of people who got married.
SHERRI
That’s like saying we’re not the sort of people who are going to grow old. We’re not going to fall into that “growing old” trap. Face it, you’ve got a problem with commitment, Charlie. Take a look at your other girlfriends. Every time you get close to a commitment there’s something wrong with them.
CHARLIE
Hey, I broke up with them for good reasons.
SHERRI
What about Sandy?
CHARLIE
Sandy was an alcoholic.
SHERRI
No-no-no. You thought she was an alcoholic. She just drank more than you drank. What about Jill?
CHARLIE
She hated my family.
SHERRI
You thought she hated your family. Nobody hates your family. Everybody loves your family. What about Julie?
CHARLIE
She smelled like soup.
SHERRI
What does that mean?
CHARLIE
She smelled exactly like Campbell’s Beef Vegetable soup. She was dirty, physically dirty.
SHERRI
Well, Charlie, I wonder what you’re gonna say were my problems? Are you gonna tell your friends that I was a junkie, that I wasn’t supportive enough or that I smelled like relish? Charlie, I loved you. It could have worked out.
(she goes to the door)
Think about it.

She leaves.

ANGLE ON - THE BROKEN PICTURE

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - CHARLIE’S CAR - DUSK

Charlie and his best friend, TONY SPILETTI, are out for a night on the town.

Tony is second generation Italian-American with very Mediterranean features. They’re listening to Teenage Fan Club. They pass Ghierardeli Square.

CHARLIE
Tony, Teenage Fan Club, they’re Scottish you know?
TONY
Oh.
CHARLIE
I had that dream again.
TONY
Oh, is that the one where you suspect that a fat man in a diaper, on a lazy susan has interfered with your plans for the evening?
CHARLIE
No, but I have had that one. No, in this one I’m in love…
TONY
Yeah.
CHARLIE
And I say to myself, ‘I’ve finally found somebody that I’m truly comfortable with.’ You know when you’re so comfortable that you’ll let them put makeup on you to see what you would look like if you were a girl. Anyways you know what I do in the dream next?
TONY
You propose?
CHARLIE
(after a pause)
No. I die.
TONY
But Charlie, you’re a normal suburban guy at heart, from a normal suburban family. Didn’t you tell me you always wanted to get married and have a family.
CHARLIE
Yes, but, I’m afraid, okay? There are seven main rites of passage in a man’s life. Birth, first day of school, last day of school. Marriage. Kids. Retirement. Death. I’m at marriage. I’m two rites of passage away from death.
TONY
I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening.

Tony is doing three-sixties, scoping out beauties, when suddenly his roving eyes lock on a police car directly behind them. He slouches down into his seat.

TONY
Christ. It’s the cops.
CHARLIE
Tony, you are a cop.
TONY
I know. Isn’t it awful? I work with those guys. They’re assholes.

The police car passes.

INT. SPILETTI’S COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT

Tony and Charlie enter. There is a poet on stage. The club is full of art tarts and college bohemians. They are greeted by the club’s owner, GIUSEPPI, an Italian man in his fifties.

TONY
Salve zio mio.
UNCLE
Allora? Che catzo fai, Charlie?
CHARLIE
Hi, Uncle Giuseppi.
UNCLE
Tony, come’ stai bello il tuo pappa e’ in galera per la terza volta.

Tony’s uncle shows them to a table.

UNCLE
I’ll have the waitress bring you cappuccino.
CHARLIE
What did your uncle say?
TONY
He says my Dad’s back in jail again.
CHARLIE
Ah, I’m sorry, man.
TONY
You know, it’s funny I don’t even feel related to my parents anymore. I feel like your mom and dad are more like my parents. I feel more Scottish than Italian.
CHARLIE
Tony Spiletti, I don’t think you could get more Italian than that. Unless of course your name was Tony Italian Guy.

Charlie checks out the girls in the coffee bar.

CHARLIE
I’m so bummed. Sherri was great, wasn’t she? I’m an asshole, aren’t I?
TONY
Yes.
CHARLIE
You’ve got to help me get through this night.
TONY
You’ve just got to get back on the horse.

The waitress arrives with two cappuccinos in extremely large cups like they have in France.

CHARLIE
Waitress, I’m sorry, there seems to be a mistake. I ordered the large cappuccino.

Two girls at a nearby table, laugh. Charlie and Tony exchange, “This could be promising.” looks.

CHARLIE
(to the girls)
Do you think these cups could be larger? They’re practically bowls.

The girls laugh again.

CHARLIE
I feel like I’m having Campbell’s Cuppuccino.
TONY
Join us in a cup of coffee? There’s enough room?
GIRLS
Sure!

The girls come over.

SUSAN
My name’s Susan and this is June. We think you’re funny.
TONY
My name’s Tony. This is my friend Charlie.
CHARLIE
Look, Tony, I’m going home. See you later, girls.

Tony grabs him and pulls him aside.

TONY
You really don’t understand, do you? When a girl comes over to your table and says, ‘I think you’re funny.’ It means you’ve pretty much been given the keys to the city. Charlie, this is big.
CHARLIE
Perhaps you’ve confused me with someone who gives a shit. Here’s what’s gonna happen, Tony. We’ll end up going out with them tonight, maybe even home with them. Well go out for two months. Soon she’ll move in, we’ll be happy, She’ll want more of a commitment. I’ll be terrified and I’ll do something to ruin it. Just like I did with Sherri.

He leaves. Tony is left with the two girls.

JUNE
Poor, guy… He seemed so nice.
TONY
(talking, choked up)
I just broke up with somebody as well. She left me high and dry.

The girls try to comfort him.

INT. CHARLIE’S APARTMENT

Three quarters of the furnishings and items have disappeared with Sherri. Charlie sits dejectedly on the floor over his Poetry Journal. He is missing Sherri. We see…

CHARLIE’S FACE

He looks out and is struck by an idea and begins to write.

ANGLE ON THE JOURNAL

I AM LONELY

CHARLIE’S FACE

Again he looks out, finds his inspiration and continues to write

IN THE JOURNAL

IT’S REALLY HARD

CHARLIE’S FACE

A gentle tear rolls down his left cheek. He pauses, then finishes off the stanza.

IN THE JOURNAL

THIS POEM SUCKS

After the last line he scratches out the entire poem. He closes the book and turns on the TV set to CNN to veg out. The show is “What’s Cooking! With Burt Wolf.”

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET

Charlie is driving in his car. He drives slowly looking for an address. Finds it, slips in to a parking spot in front.

EXT. BUTCHER’S SHOP - MEATS OF THE WORLD

Adorning the front are a “GRAND OPENING” sign and miniature flags of the world. Charlie goes inside.

INT. BUTCHER’S SHOP

It’s a small, hip shop selling specialty meats from around the world. Charlie looks around. Suddenly, an attractive woman in her late twenties, wearing a blood-stained smock enters. It is HARRIET MICHAELS. She has a cleaver in one hand and something bloody in the other.

HARRIET
(angry)
Goddamn shoplifter.
(conscious of Charlie’s
presence; holding up

bloody meat)

But I got him!
(smiles)
You’re next.
CHARLIE
(backing out the door;

terrified)

I’ve come at a bad time.
HARRIET
No stay!
CHARLIE
No, no, really… Obviously you’ve got things you have to do. You’ve got to dismember the rest of his bloody torso. Dig a makeshift shallow grave. Cover the body with quick lime. Really so much to do, so little time and I’m only in the way here, I’m just gonna go. Good luck.
HARRIET
(referring to meat in

hand)

Oh, this! Oh, no, this is what he stole. This isn’t a piece of him or anything. This is Icelandic Shank.
CHARLIE
I bet it goes well with a nice Chianti. Fittfittfitt.
HARRIET
(laughs)
Can I help you?
CHARLIE
Yes. Do you have haggis?
HARRIET
Yes, we do. It’s over here in our Scottish Cuts section. One?

This is a section under glass flying a Scottish flag, with haggis and various cuts of Scottish meat.

CHARLIE
Yes! I’ve never been able to find haggis anywhere, except at my parents’ house. They’re Scottish.

Harriet rounds the counter and wraps up the haggis. Behind her is the large “PRUSSIAN VENISON” sign.

HARRIET
(ringing up his order)
That’ll be fifteen, seventy-nine. Will there be anything else?
CHARLIE
Yes. I know it’s a long shot, but you wouldn’t by any chance happen to have any Prussian Venison?
HARRIET
Now where in the world would I get Prussian Venison?

Charlie’s charmed.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET

Charlie is driving along listening to Kerouac. We absorb the flavor of San Francisco as he drives down Lombard Street.

EXT. CHARLIE’S PARENTS’ APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

An old crappie apartment building in San Francisco. Charlie’s car pulls up. We hear “SATURDAY NIGHT” by the Bay City Rollers.

INT. OUTER HALLWAY OF CHARLIE’S PARENTS’ APARTMENT - NIGHT

Charlie approaches a door.

CHARLIE
(calling up)
Mom, Dad, I’m here.
STUART (O.S.)
We’re in here, son.

The apartment is a shrine to Scotland. Scottish paraphernalia, miniature Scotty dogs, shortbread tins and, on wall, framed pictures depict famous Scotsmen, Sean Connery, Jackie Stewart, Alexander Graham Bell, James Doohan (Scottie from “Star Trek”), Sheena Easton, Billy Connolly.

CHARLIE’S POV - AS WE ENTER THE LIVING ROOM

We see STUART, MAY, TONY, and little WILLIAM, Charlie’s fourteen year old little brother all singing:

ALL
(singing)
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y… NIGHT
STUART
(noticing Charlie)
Come give your old man a kiss or I’ll kick your teeth in.

The group are eating dinner on TV trays. Charlie walks over and turns off the record.

MAY
Charlie, put on Charlie Pride, would ya? Oh, I love Charlie Pride.
(begins singing; in

thick Scottish accent)

HEY, DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD…
STUART
May, shut it.

STUART MACKENZIE is in his late fifties, a butcher, with Coke bottle glasses and thick head of black hair. His red- haired wife, MAY, is in her fifties, attractive with a soft, but tough appearance. Little WILLIAM, has a very large head and a skinny neck. Like Charlie, he was born in America.

Charlie gives his Mom a hug, his father a kiss.

CHARLIE
Hey, William.
WILLIAM
(on his stomach on
the floor; watching

TV)

Hey, Charlie.
STUART
SCORES! MAGIC GOAL!

On the television, Stuart’s team, Glasgow Celtic, has scored.

TONY
Aye ‑‑ magic.
STUART
Let’s have a look at the re-play. William, move your head. Look at the size of that ooy’s heed. I’m not kidding. It’s like an orange on a tooth pick.
MAY
Stuart, you’re going to give the boy a complex.
STUART
I’m not kidding. That’s a huge noggin’. It has it’s own weather system. It’s a virtual planetoid.
(shouting to William)
Heed! Move!

We see the re-play of the goal on TV. Tony sits down and May brings over a plate of stew and three types of potatoes, piled very high.

MAY
Is that enough potatoes, Charlie?
CHARLIE
Enough to recreate Devil’s Tower in “Close Encounters”.
STUART
(sniffs the air)
Do I smell haggis?
CHARLIE
Aye, you do.
MAY
(taking it)
I’ll put it in the frig.

Charlie notices Tony reading some papers. He realizes it’s literature from the Lyndon H. LaRouche Society.

CHARLIE
Dad, what are you doing to Tony now? Why do you abuse his mind like this?
STUART
That’s the latest report from Lyndon H. LaRouche, outlining how the Queen and the Rothschilds masterminded the Soviet overthrow, so that they could reclaim lands they had annexed during the Holy Roman Empire.
TONY
(goading Charlie)
You know a lot of this makes sense.
CHARLIE
I think you’re suffering from the Stockholm Syndrome, where the hostages start to relate to their captors.
STUART
Listen, Sonny Jim, it’s a known fact there’s a society of the five wealthiest people in the world, called the Pentaverate, who run everything and meet three times a year at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as “The Meadows.”
CHARLIE
(sarcastic)
And that’s obviously why we haven’t heard about it in the newspapers.
STUART
(inappropriately angry

& loud)

That’s right. They fuckin’ own the papers, smartass. And everything else. Why do you think Scotland’s not been able to get independence? Because the Queen the Pentavirate and those English dome heads in West Minster won’t have it.
CHARLIE
Who are the other members of this pentaverate?
STUART
The Queen, the Rothchilds, the Gettys, the Vatican, and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with his wee beady eyes. And that smug look on his face.
CHARLIE
Dad how can you hate “the Colonel?”
STUART
Because the Colonel puts an addictive chemical in it that makes you crave it fortnightly.
CHARLIE
Interesting… coo-coo
MAY
Would anyone like a juice? Charlie, did I tell you, we bought a Juice Tiger?
CHARLIE
A Juice Tiger?
MAY
Aye, it’s a juicer. It’s part of my National Enquirer, Garth Brooks diet. Would you like potato juice?
CHARLIE
Thank you, no.
MAY
Sherri’s late.
CHARLIE
Yeah, uh, Sherri and I broke up.
MAY
Oh, you didn’t. Sherri was the daughter your father was never able to give me.
CHARLIE
I’m just not ready for marriage. I’m twenty-nine and my poems haven’t even been published yet.
STUART
But it’s not just the poetry is it son? You’re afraid if you get married you’ll lose your muse. Look at me, I was a strapping young butcher, at the height of my creative powers. When it came to de-boning a side of beef, there was nobody that could touch me. Then I married your mother. And people would still stand in awe as I filleted a shoulder of lamb.
MAY
Maybe it’s just as well not to get married, look at the news. Where did I put it?
STUART
Heed. Move that melon of yours into the bathroom and get the paper for your mother.

William gets the National Enquirer and brings it back.

CHARLIE
That’s not news, Dad. That’s bullshit. I wouldn’t wipe my ass with that paper.
STUART
What are you talking about? It’s the fifth highest circulating paper in the United States, I’ll have you know.
MAY
Oh, here it is. Mrs. X. The Honeymoon Murderer. She marries men under fake identities, and then murders them. She killed some German martial arts expert, and some plumber named Ralph Elliot. Her whereabouts are unknown.

There’s another goal on the TV set.

STUART
Scores! Two nil. Magic!
TONY
Ah, beautiful goal. We HOLD on the TV set.

Time passes. The TV set

CROSS FADES:

TO THE END OF THE GAME

The two teams are shaking hands. And the final scores chyron shows Celtic beating Rangers three nothing. We see Charlie and Tony are leaving. Stuart is blind drunk.

STUART
(singing Rod Stewart’s

song)

YOU’RE IN MY EYES, YOU’RE IN MY DREAMS… YOU’RE CELTIC, UNITED AND BABY I’VE DECIDED…
MAY
Ah, you’re steaming.

She meets Charlie and Tony at the door and kisses him good- bye. She turns to kiss Tony, and holds on the kiss far too long.

TONY
(pulling away)
See you later, Mrs. MacKenzie.
MAY
Oh, you’ve turned into a sexy Italian bastard.
CHARLIE
See you later, mom.
(calling out)
See you later, Dad.
STUART
Fine. Go! You’ve stayed your hour.

Charlie and Tony leave and enter…

THE HALLWAY

where they find William sitting on the stairs waiting for them.

WILLIAM
Take me with you.

EXT. MEATS OF THE WORLD - LATE AFTERNOON

Charlie’s drives by and notices Harriet, who’s unwinding the store awning in Dutch national costume. The banner announces “DUTCH WEEK.” “MEATS OF THE WORLD SALUTES DUTCH MEAT.”

Charlie slows down to look at her. She looks great in her little Dutch costume.

INT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE - DAY

Charlie is again writing at the counter. Another PERSON enters.

MAN
Excuse me. You wouldn’t happen to have…

Charlie again points to the Kerouac section without looking up.

MAN
Thanks.
ON THE PAD

Charlie writes…

OH MEAT MAID,
IF THE CATTLE HAD HAD A CHOICE, THEY WOULD HAVE SLAUGHTERED THEMSELVES WILLINGLY FOR A CHANCE TO BE TOUCHED BY YOUR FINGERS

CUT TO:

CHARLIE’S FACE

She’s on his mind.

EXT. MEATS OF THE WORLD

Charlie’s car pulls up. The sign reads, “WELSH WEEK” “MEATS OF THE WORLD SALUTES WELSH MEATS”

INT. MEATS OF THE WORLD

The store is very busy. There is a line at the meat counter seven people deep. Charlie takes his place at the end of the line.

We see a montage of a persons hands chopping a rack of lamb into lamb chops, and carving meat with surgical efficiency.

HARRIET
(spotting Charlie in

the crowd)

Oh, hi haggis, right?
CHARLIE
It was a big hit.
HARRIET
(finishing up with a

customer)

I remember you told me you were Scottish, but do you really like haggis.
CHARLIE
No. I think it’s repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Harriet laughs.

HARRIET
(to the next customer)
Can I help you?
(to Charlie)
Sorry, I’m really busy.
CHARLIE
Look, um, my dad’s a butcher, do you need a hand?
HARRIET
Well, actually, Yes.

Charlie puts on a very stylish butcher smock and crosses behind the counter.

HARRIET
Can you get me four Belgian porterhouses? Do you know what a porterhouse looks like?
CHARLIE
I’m meat literate.

Time passes we see a montage of Harriet and Charlie serving customers. Ending on a customer’s POV of Charlie.

CUSTOMER (O.S.)
Yes, do you have any fresh blubber?
CHARLIE
I’ll check.
(pause)
You want blubber, right?
CUSTOMER
Yeah.

We see Charlie’s POV of an Eskimo with a “lower forty-eighth” accent.

CUSTOMER
My parents are coming to town. You know how parents are. They’ll drive you nuts.

The Eskimo exits, there are no customers left.

HARRIET
Look, I’m really grateful. Can I offer you some meat as payment? Please, help yourself to some meat.
CHARLIE
I’m trying to be a vegetarian.
HARRIET
Trying to be a vegetarian?
CHARLIE
Yeah, the problem is I really love hot-dogs.
HARRIET
I think the meat industry invented hot-dogs to stop people from becoming vegetarians. There’s got to be something I can do to repay you.
CHARLIE
You could take me to a nice romantic dinner.

EXT. PIER - NIGHT

Charlie and Harriet are eating hot-dogs. As Charlie puts the relish on, he smells the relish.

CHARLIE
(sniffing the relish)
This reminds me of my ex-girlfriend.
HARRIET
I hate talking about old relationships.
CHARLIE
Then let’s not and say we did.
HARRIET
(she laughs)
That was easy ‑‑ What a nice guy. You’ve probably never done a mean thing in your life.
CHARLIE
You’d be surprised.
HARRIET
I’d like to hear.
(to his confused look)
Name me something bad you’ve done in your life.
CHARLIE
Are you kidding me?
HARRIET
No. Did you ever steal anything? You ever hit someone?
CHARLIE
Well, I’ve been in fights. Let me think.
HARRIET
(as Charlie thinks)
Not one bad thing, Charlie?
CHARLIE
Tell me something bad you’ve done. And it better be bad. I mean, evil.
HARRIET
How evil?
CHARLIE
Really evil.
(thinks)
Like how many people have you brutally murdered?
HARRIET
“Brutal” is such a subjective word. I mean, what’s brutal to one person might be totally reasonable to another.

Next to them is a German couple, speaking German, looking through a coin-operated binocular. He says something which causes her to cry.

CHARLIE
This just reminded her of that scene in “Brian’s Song”.
HARRIET
Actually, he just proposed to her. Those are tears of joy.

She lifts her soda to toast them.

HARRIET
Prost.

The man and woman smile and nod.

MAN
Danke, Fraulein.
CHARLIE
You’re very smart. It’s a shame I’m going to have to destroy you.
HARRIET
Do bright women intimidate you?
CHARLIE
No, not at all.
HARRIET
Really, what do you look for in women you date?
CHARLIE
(thinks)
Well, I know everyone always say “sense of humor”, but I’d have to go with breast size.
(she laughs)
How about you? In a guy.
HARRIET
Income of course, and then…
(thinks)
…savings.

He smiles at her.

CHARLIE
Me likey how you thinkey.

INT. HARRIET’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

The lights turn on, and then they enter a very bohemian apartment. There is artists paraphernalia strewn around. A small bar separates the living area from the kitchen. She smiles and walks off into the kitchen.

HARRIET
I’ll make us some tea.

He checks out her apartment. On the wall there is a huge poster of the BOARDWALK IN ATLANTIC CITY.

CHARLIE
Hey, you know what this apartment needs? A really large oversized poster of Atlantic City.
HARRIET
I used to live there. That’s where I had my first supermarket job.

On his way out, he peeks into the bedroom, where he finds a bed that is facing neither parallel nor perpendicular with the wall. It is just kind of “there”.

HARRIET (O.S.)
(coming into room)
I only have chamomile. I hope that’s all right.

He looks at her and then at the “Oddly-placed” bed.

HARRIET
It’s North-South.
(to his confused look)
For health reasons. See… I had this friend, he was a martial arts expert. Anyways, he used to sleep North-South. I don’t know… It’s a martial arts thing and it just sort of became a habit with me.
CHARLIE
(walking into living

room)

You know Scotland has it’s own martial arts. It’s called FUCKU. It’s mostly head butting and kicking people when they’re on the ground.

Harriet starts laughing. Then so does Charlie. They lean into each other. Pretty close. Too close even, and when it seems like they’re going to kiss, Charlie suddenly gets uncomfortable and looks at his watch.

HARRIET
Late?
CHARLIE
No. No. Not for me.
HARRIET
Who for then?
CHARLIE
Who for then what?
HARRIET
Well, you looked at your watch and said it wasn’t late for you… I wondered who it was late for.
CHARLIE
Not me. No, Sir. Not here.
(after a pause;

checking watch)

Maybe it is late.

She gets him his coat. He starts to leave.

CHARLIE
Look, the truth is, yes, I had a great time, and I’d like to kiss you, but if we do kiss, then we’ll kiss on the couch and if we kiss on the couch, then we’ll kiss in the bedroom, and once you’re in the bedroom ‑‑ Well, the thing is, I always rush it. And this time I feel like maybe I should wait. Maybe we should let it build naturally and grow, instead of just immediately spending the night together.
HARRIET
I want to spend the night together.
CHARLIE
(sold)
I have no problem with that.
THE BEDROOM - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

They are both fast asleep. She is curled up in his arms. Suddenly, she begins to speak.

HARRIET
Yes! Yes!

Charlie’s eyes open. He smiles.

HARRIET
Yes Ralph. I will. Ralph.

Charlie’s smile fades. He sits up and looks at her. She is lying completely still on the bed, her eyes closed, and still sleep-talking.

HARRIET (O.S.)
Now now Ralph!
CHARLIE
(waking her)
Harriet…? Harriet…?
(as her eyes open)
You were having a dream, or…? You kept saying the name Ralph.
HARRIET
Ralph?
CHARLIE
Ralph. I heard you say it.
HARRIET
(sleepily)
That’s odd. Just today I was thinking about, her. She’s a friend.
CHARLIE
(starting to leave)
Is she nice ‑‑? Ralph…
HARRIET
Yeah. She’s great.
DISSOLVE INTO:

INT. HARRIET’S BEDROOM - MORNING

Charlie is sleeping alone in the bed, and the sound of RUNNING WATER is heard off in the distance. His eyes slowly open, he looks around, remembers where he is. He puts on his shorts and walks towards the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM - MORNING

Through the steam we can just make out Harriet in the shower washing her hair. Charlie walks over.

CHARLIE
You know… with this drought in California total strangers are urged to shower together.

He opens the curtain. It’s not Harriet. The woman, ROSE, calmly looks at him and closes the curtain.

ROSE
Go away.
CHARLIE
Oh God. I’m sorry. Jesus. Excuse me.

He backs out of the room.

INT. HALLWAY - HARRIET’S APARTMENT

The door opens and a hurriedly dressed Charlie emerges. Before he gets to the door he once again encounters Rose. She’s completely dressed. Even her hair is dry.

CHARLIE
Hi. I’m really sorry. I must have scared the… I’m Harriet’s friend, Charlie, and you must be…
(hopefully)
Ralph?
ROSE
I’m Harriet’s sister, Rose. And this is Harriet’s note.

He reaches for it, but she reads it aloud to him.

ROSE
(reading)
‘Dear Charlie, I didn’t want to wake you, make yourself at home, thanks for making me smile.’ Harriet.
CHARLIE
That’s a very nice note.
ROSE
I’ll make you some breakfast.
CHARLIE
Gee, I’d love to but I’m running late.
ROSE
What would you say to blueberry pancakes, bacon, fresh squeezed grape juice and Kona coffee?

INT. KITCHEN - LATER

Charlie and Rose sit at the table each eating a bowl of dry cereal.

ROSE
I’m sorry I didn’t have any of those other things.
CHARLIE
Hey, that stuff’ll kill you while Fruit Loops are light and probably reasonably high in Fiber. I like Apple Jacks too.
ROSE
Got ’em.
CHARLIE
So this is your apartment?

Rose starts sketching Charlie.

ROSE
Yes. She’s been here the past three months… ever since she came back from Miami. I used to visit her occasionally. She didn’t speak of me?
CHARLIE
(shakes his head, no)
She told me about a martial arts guy and there was some discussion about Ralph…
ROSE
She spoke of them…?
CHARLIE
She spoke of the martial arts guy and screamed about Ralph…
ROSE
(affectionately)
Well, you know Harriet.
CHARLIE
Actually, I really don’t.
ROSE
(puzzled)
But you did have sex with her?
CHARLIE
(taken aback)
Hello.
ROSE
Yet you still don’t know her.
(contemplates this)
See, that’s the problem with sex. It’s not very revealing.
CHARLIE
My, look at the time.

He stands up.

ROSE
(after a pause)
You should be careful, Charlie.
CHARLIE
I am… usually. I just… You should know, this is very unusual that I would do this so soon, in this day and age particularly, but… We just really hit it off. We did. And…
ROSE
I’m gonna go now. I won’t tell Harriet that anything happened.
CHARLIE
But… nothing did happen.
ROSE
Exactly. Or she would be jealous. And when she gets jealous, we both know what she’s capable of.
CHARLIE
No, we don’t. You do, like I said, I just met her.
ROSE
You’ll be okay, Charlie. Just be careful.

She leaves. Charlie is baffled.

INT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE - DAY

As Charlie walks by, FRED, a lanky customer in his late teens is buying a book.

FRED
Hey, Charlie. How you doin’?
CHARLIE
Good. Good. Look, Fred…
(leaning in)
You got a lot of girlfriends, right? You know any girls named Ralph?
FRED
Ralph? Gee, Charlie. Isn’t that a guy’s name?
CHARLIE
Well, not necessarily, but… Never mind. Thanks, Fred.

Charlie catches the store manager, PENNY, on her way into her office.

CHARLIE
Hey Penny, I wanted to ask you ‑‑ you know some girls named Ralph, right? I mean, that’s a girl’s name also, isn’t it?
PENNY
(confused)
I don’t think so, Charlie… Uh…
CHARLIE
(walking away)
Forget it. Thanks.

She walks into her office totally confused.

EXT. DOCKSIDE - ALCATRAZ TOUR KIOSK - MAINLAND - DAY

Tony and Charlie are waiting in line.

AERIAL VIEW OF BOAT

as they travel to the island.

TONY (V.O.)
You know I’ve lived in this city all my life and I’ve never been to Alcatraz.
ALCATRAZ

We open on the LOUD BANGING of a CELL DOOR. We find our tour group in the holding area. The PARK RANGER is a beefy man in his late fifties and talks with emotionless, military precision.

PARK RANGER
Hello, everyone I’m a park ranger and I will be leading you on the tour. All the park rangers here at Alcatraz were at one time guards, myself included. My name is John Johnson, but everyone here calls me Vicki. Will you please follow me?

They are led out. We see that Alcatraz is a sinister place. Cold and unforgiving. The Park Ranger leads them to the center of a cell block.

TONY
You’re glowing, Charlie. The man’s in love.
CHARLIE
Sssh… Stop it. I’m trying to listen.
PARK RANGER
This is the main cell block area. Home to such famous criminals as Al Capone, Micky Cohen, Joseph “Dutch” Critzer, and Robert Stroud, the famous Bird Man of Alcatraz. Follow me, please.

The Park Ranger leads them past the famous visiting rooms, the mess hall, all the way to the solitary confinement area.

A CELL
PARK RANGER
This is the cell for solitary confinement, that over the years has come to be known as Times Square.

Tony and Charlie are at the back of the tour group.

TONY
So did you and Harriet?… you know…
CHARLIE
(grinning)
Sssh I don’t want to talk about it.
TONY
With that look, you don’t have to talk about it. The grin alone could get you five to seven years.
CHARLIE
Tony, get your mind out of the gutter. All you need to know is that she’s a sweet, kind and loving person.
PARK RANGER
Now this is something none of the other tour guides will tell you. In this particular cell block Machine Gunn Kelly had, what we call in the prison system, a “bitch.” And one day, in a jealous rage, Kelly took a makeshift knife, or “shiv,” and cut out his “bitch’s” eyes.
CHARLIE
Look, what can I tell you. I’m smitten. I’m in deep smit. I dunno. I just don’t wanna talk about it, because then I start analyzing and that’s not good for me.
TONY
Good. I think that’s good. Just let it happen.
CHARLIE
Exactly. That’s what’s gonna be different this time. Something strange happens, let it go. It’s not my business… Like Ralph. She says Ralph in her sleep.
TONY
Who’s Ralph?
CHARLIE
I don’t know who Ralph is. Moreover, I don’t want to know.
TONY
Good.
PARK RANGER
And as if blinding his “bitch” wasn’t enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns pissing into the “bitch’s” ocular cavity.

Tony and Charlie look at each other. They’re a little queasy.

CHARLIE
Exactly.
(beat)
Tony, I’m happy. Don’t let me screw this one up.

INT. EL TORO - IN THE MISSION - DAY

They are eating Bay burrites.

ROSE
Did you have a nice date last night?
HARRIET
Rose, I don’t really ‑‑
ROSE
He disturbed me while I was naked in the shower this morning.
HARRIET
Yeah, he stayed over?
ROSE
I didn’t mind. Charlie and I laughed about it over breakfast.
HARRIET
That’s good.
ROSE
He said you had great sex last night.
HARRIET
He did?
(a beat)
Yeah.
ROSE
He seems really stuck on you. I hope for you that it lasts.
HARRIET
Rose he’s a sweet, kind and loving person. We like each other, but I don’t want to think any further. It’s taken me a long time to get back to dating, and I want to take things real steady this time.
ROSE
Well, you can trust me not to tell him anything.
HARRIET
He was quite happy not to talk about the past.
ROSE
I did a sketch of him.

Rose shows the sketch to Harriet.

HARRIET
(looking at the picture)
That’s good.
ROSE
Think I’ve caught him?
HARRIET
The eyes are good.
ROSE
Charlie really liked it.
HARRIET
It’s a good likeness.
ROSE
Boy, I really hope it works out.
HARRIET
Rose, I don’t wanna screw this one up.

EXT. HARRIET’S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Charlie enters the building, holding a handful of poetry books. He passes a UNIFORMED DELIVERY GUY coming out. The guy nods and Charlie nods back.

INT. HARRIET’S APARTMENT BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

Charlie gets three feet down the hallway. Stops in his tracks and heads back to the front door. He opens it and yells to the delivery guy:

CHARLIE
Hey, uh… Ralph…?
DELIVERY GUY
(turning around)
I’m Gilbert.
CHARLIE
Shit.
HARRIET’S DOOR - MOMENTS LATER

She opens the door enough to see that she is wearing only a blouse that goes below her hips. She looks fantastic. He hands her the poetry books.

HARRIET
(teasing him)
Charlie, they’re beautiful. I’ll put them right in water.

He follows her inside and puts the books on the bureau. He goes over and kisses her.

CHARLIE
You look great.
HARRIET
I was just getting dressed.
(picking up skirt off

couch)

What do you think of this skirt?
CHARLIE
Honestly?
(pulls her close)
I’d leave it off.
HARRIET
So then you think I could go to a poetry concert like this?

She drops the skirt and stands there. She’s fantastic.

CHARLIE
Let’s forget the poetry concert. It’s already been nine hours since I last made love to you.
HARRIET
(smiling; walking

away)

Come on we’re meeting your best friend. I wanna look good. The second I go to the ladies room he’s gonna tell you what he really thinks of me.

He follows her to the bedroom door, constantly trying to kiss her.

HARRIET
Come on, Charlie. We have to be there in fifteen minutes.
CHARLIE
(following her into

bedroom)

Fifteen minutes. Perfect.

She closes the door on his face.

CHARLIE
(through door)
Maybe later.
ROSE (O.S.)
I thought of calling you.
CHARLIE
(startled)
Aaaahhh!

Charlie turns on his heel. Rose has appeared out of nowhere.

ROSE
(after a pause)
To warn you, Charlie.
(after a pause)
There are just some things you should know, about Harriet.
CHARLIE
About Harriet?
ROSE
About her past.
CHARLIE
I don’t wanna know. I mean, look everyone has some skeletons in their past. I only care about the future. Not the past.
ROSE
Here’s the thing. I may have to tell Harriet.
CHARLIE
Tell her what?
ROSE
That we’re lovers.
CHARLIE
We’re not lovers.
ROSE
I know, and it’s a damn shame.

Harriet walks in the room, fully dressed, and fully dazzling.

HARRIET
I hope I’m not interrupting.
CHARLIE
(feeling weird)
No, not at all. We were just talking about… Rose and I met yesterday, so…
HARRIET
So I heard.

Harriet hugs Rose and then stands right next to her.

HARRIET
So, don’t you think we look alike?
ROSE
Oh, we do not. Harriet was always prettier than me. And a heck of a lot more popular. She always had boyfriends. The only thing I ever got was good grades.
CHARLIE
(slightly uncomfortable)
Good grades are good.
HARRIET
She’s just being kind. Show Charlie one of your photographs, Rose. Rose is a great artist.
ROSE
No, Harriet. I don’t want to. They’re not good.
HARRIET
You’re so modest. If I weren’t here to brag for you, I just don’t know…
(taking out a
posterboard from

cabinet)

Show it to him, Rose. Do it.

He turns it over and there is a picture there. A collage of unrelated images put together. And it is beautiful.

But it’s very abstract. Violent perhaps. Confused definitely. He likes it.

CHARLIE
It’s beautiful…
ROSE
Thanks.
CHARLIE
What is it?
ROSE
I dunno.
CHARLIE
What do you call it?
ROSE
I dunno.
CHARLIE
A lot artists don’t like to title their work. They feel it biases the viewer.
ROSE
It is titled. It’s called “I dunno”.

Charlie looks at it again, then at Rose, then at Harriet. It’s all a little bizarre, but in a funny way he feels for Rose. A hidden talented overshadowed by her sister’s beauty.

HARRIET
We should get going, Charlie. Thanks, Rose… See you later.
ROSE
Bye, Charlie.
CHARLIE
Rose, great to see you. We should all go out together some time. The three of us. That would be great. That would be… interesting.

Charlie and Harriet walk out.

EXT. POETRY FESTIVAL - NIGHT

Charlie and Harriet wait in line with bohemian types and poetry lovers from the suburbs, and all walks of life. <meta_block> <meta-single><key>Directly behind them are TWO OLD LADIES. The marquee reads</key><value> </value></meta-single> </meta_block>

“POETRY FESTIVAL - TONIGHT ALLEN GINSBERG.”
CHARLIE
I think you’re going to love Alan Ginsberg. He’s great.
HARRIET
Oh, I know all about him.
TONY (O.S.)
Hey Charlie!

Tony is getting out of a cab accompanied by Susan, the girl from Spiletti’s Coffee House. He approaches Charlie.

TONY
Sorry we’re late.

Tony throws his arms wide open and hugs one of the Little Old Ladies on the other side of Charlie.

TONY
You must be Harriet. I’ve heard a lot about you.
CHARLIE
(to Tony; re: Harriet)
This is Harriet.
TONY
Oh. Sorry. Of course.
(whispering to Harriet)
I apologize. Charlie described you as much older. And heavier.
HARRIET
(smiling)
Oh, he did…?
CHARLIE
Thank you, Tony. This is my best friend.
TONY
And this is Susan. Charlie, you remember her from Uncle Giuseppi’s.
CHARLIE
Yes, I do.
SUSAN
You’re funny…

Then she GIGGLES. The girls start inside, Tony lags back with Charlie.

TONY
(whispers to Charlie)
I give Susan one night.

INT. POETRY FESTIVAL - NIGHT

ALLEN GINSBERG is on stage. He is brilliant. Tony, Charlie, and Harriet are all amused. Susan is bored stiff. Charlie is looking at Tony. Tony glances over at Susan and gives Charlie an “Oh, well.” look. Then he looks at Harriet and nods in approval of her.

EXT. FISHERMAN’S WHARF - NIGHT

The four of them walk along the wharf. Charlie is at one of those arcade games where you throw bean bags at the puppets and try and knock them down. Charlie knocks two down.

ARCADE MAN
One more and you get your pick.
CHARLIE
(to Harriet)
You do it.
HARRIET
No, Charlie. I’m the worst.
TONY
Come on, you’ll be great…

The arcade man turns around to watch. Harriet winds up and throws the bean bag directly into his neck.

ARCADE MAN
Hey!
HARRIET
Sorry… I told you Charlie.
CHARLIE
No, no, you’re okay, you’re just having control problems.

They both start laughing. He puts his arm around her. In the b.g. the wounded arcade man is being led away by a co-worker.

They continued down the boardwalk stand in front of a House of Horrors.

It looks somewhat run down and Harriet looks questioningly at Charlie.

CHARLIE
I know this is really, really cheesy, but in a way this is one of the places in San Francisco I’m most proud of.
HARRIET
Yeah, let’s go in.

Tony nods agreement. Susan looks bored. They go inside the

HOUSE OF HORRORS

it’s as low rent as Charlie described. The “KEEPER OF THE THRESHOLD” so described in a poorly written sign, is an overweight man in his late twenties, wearing jeans and a denim jacket and a little bit of scary makeup. He looks like a roadie for the band, KISS. He stands at a podium, smoking and reading a paper. As Charlie, Tony, Harriet and Susan pass the Threshold Keeper, he takes a casual drag of his cigarette, lets out a little smoke and with zero commitment utters:

THRESHOLD KEEPER
Boo.

INT. WAX MUSEUM - DAY

Harriet and Charlie enter Bill’s Wax Museum. The OWNER of the wax museum greets them.

OWNER
Hi. I’m Bill, welcome to my wax museum.

They walk over to the exhibits. There are exhibits of Abraham Lincoln, Michael Jackson and Dolly Parton. As they look more closely they notice that the faces are exactly the same as Bill’s. They laugh.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Pouring rain. THUNDER. Charlie and Harriet, wrapped in each others arms, walking through the rain.

HARRIET
I feel so safe with you right now. You’re never going to leave me, are you? I feel like I could be here forever.

CUT TO:

TIGHT SHOT OF RAIN HITTING CHARLIE’S PANIC-STRICKEN FACE

MATCH DISSOLVE TO:

THE REFLECTION OF RAIN ON CHARLIE’S PANIC-STRICKEN FACE

PULL BACK to see Charlie in bed. He lies awake on his side, his back up to Harriet’s. She is sound asleep. Suddenly:

HARRIET
(sleeptalking)
Ralph! No, Ralph!

Charlie sighs, then just shrugs and tries to fall asleep. What can he do.

FADE IN:

INT. CHARLIE’S PARENTS’ APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT

Charlie and Harriet wait outside his parents’ door.

CHARLIE
Well, this is it.
HARRIET
It’ll be fine.

They enter the door.

INT. CHARLIE’S PARENT’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

We again move along the hallway. We pass the Scottish wall, of fame, Scottie from “Star Trek”, Sir Walter Scott, Sir Harry Lauder, Sheena Easton, Al Pacino, Billy Connolly, then the CAMERA BACKTRACKS to Pacino, where it HOLDS MOMENTARILY.

CHARLIE
Mom, Dad, we’re here.

May comes up, wearing a fancy country and western outfit.

MAY
Ah, Charlie is this the wee Harriet. Ah, she’s beautiful.
HARRIET
Thank you.
MAY
She’s so sweet. I hope you keep her.
(calling)
Stuart, come out here. You tube.

When he comes up, Stuart is wearing only a shirt with his boxer shorts.

STUART
Ah, it’s the wee Harriet.
MAY
Stuart, put your pants on.
STUART
Hold your horses.
(calling to William)
Heed! Pants!

William comes around the corner with his pants.

CHARLIE
Dad, what’s Al Pacino doing on the Scottish wall of fame?
STUART
Oh, that’s for Tony. So, Charlie tells me you’re a butcher. Let’s talk meat.
CHARLIE
Dad, no one wants to talk shop. Especially butcher shop.
STUART
Come here.

Stuart gets him in a half-Nelson.

CHARLIE
Ah! Dad, dad I have a back zit, man it kills.

Charlie struggles to free himself. Stuart turns to greet Harriet. As he reaches out his hand.

Totally instinctively, Harriet grabs Stuart’s hand and twists it behind his back. Charlie is startled, as his date has just gotten Stuart into a Half-Nelson.

HARRIET
(releasing his hand)
I’m sorry. I just… You just surprised me. I’m sorry.
STUART
I like this one Charlie. She’s quite a filly.
HARRIET
I’m really embarrassed.
STUART
Don’t be embarrassed about having a good strong butcher’s grip. Do you link your own sausage?
MAY
Oh, ignore him. Come have a look at some photos of Charlie when he was a wee’n.
CHARLIE
Oh Mom, don’t start with the pictures.
MAY
Ah, Charlie, lighten up. You’ve got a pickle up your ass.
CHARLIE
(whispering to Harriet)
I’m gonna use the bathroom. You be okay alone with them?
HARRIET
(kissing)
Fine. Don’t worry about it. Hurry.

They smile as he leaves the room.

STUART
Make sure there’s paper, Charlie.

Charlie picks up the pace, scared of what he might hear next.

MAY
Make sure you leave the seat down.
CHARLIE
(shutting her up)
Ma, just show her the pictures.
STUART
And light a match.
MAY
(to Harriet)
He always leaves the seat up. He’s gotta learn.

INT. BATHROOM AT PARENTS’ - NIGHT

He closes the door, and shakes his head. What can he do? Those are his parents. On the wall opposite the toilet is a well-used dart board with pictures of the Queen Mother and Colonel Sanders. Hooked to the magazine caddie is a small container of darts.

INT. THE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

May excitedly shows Harriet family photo albums.

MAY
This is Charlie with his Uncle Ecky. He’s a policeman in Canada. And our cousins Ruth and Jack. He’s just got a restraining order from his wife. She’s a lovely girl. This is Billy. He’s a member of parliament. He drinks.
HARRIET
What a nice family you have.
CHARLIE IN THE BATHROOM

He doesn’t seem in any hurry to leave either. He listens through the door to Harriet enthusiastically looking through old photos.

Charlie glances down at a stack of National Enquirers on the magazine rack. He flips through a few.

He sees one of the absurd headlines: “ALIEN UFO SEX DIET” Charlie shakes his head.

HARRIET (O.S.)
(through door)
Charlie was the cutest baby.
STUART (O.S.)
(through door)
You okay in there, Charlie? You didn’t fall in, did you?
CHARLIE
(through door)
Jesus…

Charlie then looks down at another article in the Enquirer and reads:

“WHO’S NEXT FOR MRS. X - THE HONEYMOON KILLER?”

It is the article about Mrs. X ‑‑ the axe-murderer who kills her husbands on their honeymoons and then marries again under a different identity.

IN THE LIVING ROOM

May is quickly flipping through a photo album, pointing out pictures of relatives as she goes:

HARRIET
I can’t believe the resemblance between you and Charlie, Mrs. MacKenzie.

INT. CHARLIE IN THE BATHROOM

With Harriet speaking in the b.g., Charlie continues reading, now absorbed in the article about the 3 victims:

HARRIET (O.S.)
(through door)
You have the same smile. It’s so incredible.
“VICTIM #1 - THE GERMAN MARTIAL ARTS EXPERT FROM MIAMI”

“VICTIM #2 - THE LOUNGE SINGER FROM ATLANTIC CITY”

“VICTIM #3 - THE SAN FRANCISCO PLUMBER - RALPH ELLIOT”

INT. CHARLIE’S CAR - NIGHT - C.U. - HARRIET’S FACE

Sitting in the front seat of Charlie’s car, smiling, content, a great meal, a great night out with Charlie and a nice evening with his parents.

Slowly PAN across the front seat to Charlie. A nervous anxious “what the hell am I getting myself into” look on his face.

CHARLIE
So, that was some move you put on my Dad, there. Did you study Karate, or…?
HARRIET
No. Not officially. I dated a guy for a while who ran a studio.
CHARLIE
Oh, the martial arts expert. The north-south guy. Here in San Francisco?
HARRIET
Actually, Miami.

He looks straight ahead, trying to act unfazed. But, he’s very phased ‑‑ his expression is covered in it.

CHARLIE
Was that before Atlantic City, or after?
HARRIET
Oh, that was years ago. Atlantic City was recent. I didn’t care for Atlantic City. A town full of gamblers and lounge singers.

He keeps driving.

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Charlie walks through the precinct towards Tony’s office, holding the National Enquirer in his hand.

DESK SERGEANT
Hey Charlie!
CHARLIE
Is Tony back there?

The Sergeant nods and Charlie heads back to the office.

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

CAPTAIN
O.K., Tony. Do you have the K673 form completed yet, that street vendor incident on Powell Street?
TONY
(really bummed)
Yes, Captain.
CAPTAIN
Tony, do you mind my saying that you seem a little down?
TONY
Captain. It’s about my work. About being a policeman.
CAPTAIN
Tony, if there’s anything wrong, I’m here to listen.
TONY
I know. And that’s what’s irritating, you’re too nice.
CAPTAIN
Too nice!?
TONY
Yes, You’re my captain for gods sakes. You should be constantly on my case, like the captain on Starsky and Hutch. Once a week you should routinely haul my ass into your office, accuse me of being a maverick and complain to me that you’re sick and tired of defending my screwball antics to the commissioner.
CAPTAIN
Well, as you may know, Tony. I don’t report to a commissioner. I report to a committee, some of whom are appointed, some elected and the remainder co-opted on a bi-annual basis. A quorum ‑‑
TONY
Police work should be all about running around, following up crazy hunches that turn out to be right, going out on a limb.
CAPTAIN
Well Tony, I’ve never seen it that way. For me police work is all about following procedure and remaining accountable to the general public.
TONY
(exasperated)
Captain! When I joined the police force, I thought I was going to be Serpico and unfortunately I ended up being Toma. I would have settled for Beretta.
CAPTAIN
That’s interesting Tony. I’m perturbed that you should be so disillusioned.

Charlie enters.

CHARLIE
Hey, Tony, I gotta talk to you.
CAPTAIN
Oh, hello, Charlie. Look, I’m in the way here. You guys probably have something you want to talk about, and Tony, if you’ve still got stuff you want to sort out, please, you know where the suggestion box is.

The Captain exits.

CHARLIE
Nice guy. Hey, what’s up?
TONY
I’m having doubts about being a cop again. It’s not like how it is on cop shows. All I do is fill out papers and reports.
CHARLIE
Let me get this straight, your Captain hasn’t threatened to have you up on charges so fast you won’t know what hit you?
TONY
No! He’s never once said to me that he was going to “throw the book at me so hard it’ll knock my ass from here till Tuesday.” Anyways what’s up?

Charlie pulls out the National Enquirer (the one on MRS. X, the Honeymoon Killer).

CHARLIE
Have you heard of this case? Mrs. X? She murders her husbands on their honeymoons and then changes her identity and marries again.
TONY
I never heard of it. So what?
CHARLIE
Curious, that’s all. I read about it, and…
(after a pause)
I think I’m dating Mrs. X.
TONY
(after a pause)
Two words, Charlie. Get therapy. They have doctors that deal specifically with this illness.
CHARLIE
Everything’s adding up, Tony. One of the victims was a martial arts expert. Last night at dinner, she put a martial arts move on my dad.
TONY
There about twenty thousand people in San Francisco who are martial arts experts. Should I arrest all of them too?
CHARLIE
If they also say Ralph in their sleep I think it’d be a good start.
(showing him paper)
Ralph Elliot. A plumber from San Francisco. Missing since his honeymoon.
TONY
You’re just getting scared. Like the dream, you feel Harriet could be the one, so you start to suspect her of things, ’cause deep down you’re scared that if she is the one, you’ll marry, and marriage to you is death.
CHARLIE
Hey, don’t analyze my dreams, okay? They’re my dreams. Analyze your own dreams.
(a beat)
It’s not a marrying thing, Tony. It’s a murdering thing.
(showing him paper)
Harriet lived in Atlantic City, right? Well so did this guy, right around the same time she left town.
TONY
(reading article)
“Larry Leonard, a crooner who made a name for himself for being able to sing in six different languages the song”Only You".
(putting paper down)
Does she know the song “Only You?”
CHARLIE
I don’t know. It hasn’t come up yet.
TONY
Charlie, move past it. You’re running your life by the National Enquirer.
CHARLIE
(defensively)
What? It’s the fifth highest circulating newspaper in the United States.
(taking paper back)
Mrs. X. Please. Look it up.
COMPUTER ROOM AT POLICE STATION - MINUTES LATER

Charlie and Tony are in the back with KATHY, a stocky black woman in uniform, who works in the files department.

KATHY
There’s no record of any deaths. All three of these guys were reported missing around the time of their honeymoon, but so were the wives. No pictures of any of the brides. For all we know they just picked up and moved away.
CHARLIE
And Ralph Elliot, too?
TONY
Charlie, you’re talking about three guys over a seven year span. That’s hardly news. No deaths. Elopement in this state, as of this day, is still not illegal.
CHARLIE
(re: the article)
Yeah well murder is. And this article says that these men were murdered by the same woman.
KATHY
Mr. MacKenzie, we’ve found that, most National Enquirer articles are actually based on our own police reports. They take the facts and fabricate a story around them.
TONY
It’s true, Charlie. You gotta realize that. I mean, personally, I would lie to you, but Kathy… has this crazy notion of always telling the truth.
(patting his back)
You feel better now?
CHARLIE
It guess so. It’s just… if I had a photo of Harriet, I could show it to the relatives or friends of Mrs. X’s victims to identify her.
TONY
Charlie, listen to me! There is no Mrs. X! Drop it! Okay?

INT. HALLWAY - HARRIET’S APARTMENT - EVENING

Charlie knocks on the door. Rose answers.

ROSE
(thrilled)
You’re back. But Harriet’s not here yet.
CHARLIE
Maybe I could wait.
ROSE
Sure. That would be fine.

She then starts to slowly close the door. He props it open with his hand.

CHARLIE
Inside? I was hoping…
ROSE
(letting him in)
I’m glad you asked. I didn’t want to be so forward. I mean, if you’re waiting inside, then you feel obligated to entertain me and keep up the conversation just to be polite, and really your head might be totally elsewhere and then there’s the chance that you would really want to talk and it’s me who’d be busy, but in an attempt not to be rude, I sit there and listen to some story that you don’t really want to tell and I don’t really have time to hear. You know?
CHARLIE
I couldn’t agree with you more.
ROSE
I think about a lot of things.
CHARLIE
Look, if you have work to do, you go right ahead.
(“ah, here’s an angle”)
I mean, to tell you the truth, I’d love to see your work.
ROSE
Okay! What would you like me to do?
CHARLIE
No, I don’t want to see you work. I was talking about your work. Your photographs. That one that I saw was so, wonderful, and…
ROSE
Harriet’s far more talented than I am.
CHARLIE
Well, I’m sure it’s so subjective anyway and…
(out of patience)
Rose, show me your photos.
CLOSE ON PHOTOGRAPHS

There are two kinds. Beautiful travel pictures and very erotic black and white portraits of young men and women. All with a slight sadomasochistic quality. At the bottom of every photo is says: “Seasons Greetings”.

CHARLIE
Hey, these are some interesting photos here. Very impressive. Nice shots of Sauselito and… some good bondage shots. A lot of people wouldn’t think to mix the two subjects, but they’re really a natural together.
(new thought)
Hey, you wouldn’t happen to have any pictures of Harriet by chance, would you?
ROSE
(re: her cards)
Well, I don’t think she’d wanna do this sort of…
CHARLIE
No, no, not that. Just, in general some photos. Any little snapshot would do.
ROSE
I doubt I’d have any. Harriet hates being photographed.

The sound of a key in the door as Harriet enters the apartment.

HARRIET (O.S.)
Rose ‑‑ did I see Charlie’s car out in front?
ROSE
We’re in here, Harriet.
HARRIET
(walking in)
What are you guys doing?
CHARLIE
(covering up)
Oh, nothing. Just looking through some of Rose’s work.
ROSE
…Charlie wanted a photo of you.
CHARLIE
And that. That too.
HARRIET
Why of me, Charlie?
CHARLIE
Well, sentimental reasons. Something to remind me of you when we’re not together.

She takes him in her arms and gives him a knee buckling kiss.

HARRIET
There, can you remember that?
CHARLIE
Okay, it’s just, I was gonna give one to my parents, too, and…
(getting nowhere)
Another time would be fine. It’s hardly a matter of life and death.
TV SET - PLAYING THE EVENING NEWS
NEWS ANCHORMAN
(ON TV)
In the news tonight, regarding a Beverly Hills Jeweler, Morris Cohan, who died last week, police are now suspecting that Morris’s partner, Lawrence Sachs, may have murdered him with an untraceable poison.

Reveal: we are in…

INT. CHARLIE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Charlie is on a Stair Master, as Harriet walks in wearing a robe. The TV is on in the b.g.

CHARLIE
Where you been?
HARRIET
Downstairs. I have a surprise for you.
CHARLIE
Great. I just wanna do a quick twenty minutes on the Stair Master before bed.

Harriet drops her robe, and from over her shoulder we see that Charlie prefers what he sees to working out.

CHARLIE
I’ll do forty tomorrow.
HARRIET
(getting into bed)
I got something much healthier for you than that.

She pulls out a milkshake from behind her back.

CHARLIE
What is it?
HARRIET
It’s a health shake. Eggs, malt, cinnamon, oranges. It’s great. I mixed it up downstairs.
THE TV SET

continues on about poisons and poisoners. Charlie glances at it.

NEWS ANCHORMAN
(ON TV)
Poisoning has become the second leading method of murder in recent years, due to…

Charlie watches the TV, looking a bit disturbed. Harriet offers him the shake.

CHARLIE
Oh, look, I’m full. Dinner and… No…
HARRIET
You’ll like it Charlie.
CHARLIE
No, really, thanks.
HARRIET
(putting it up to his

lips)

You won’t try it. I spent twenty minutes making it.

He takes it. Lifts it to his mouth… then puts it on the table.

CHARLIE
(sniffing it)
Ummm. Smells good. Maybe I’ll take some to the office tomorrow.
(running into bathroom)
I’m gonna brush my teeth. Be right back.

Charlie goes into the bathroom.

CHARLIE’S BATHROOM

Harriet comes into the bathroom and lays the empty glass down on the counter.

HARRIET
I’m gonna take a quick shower.

Charlie notices the empty glass on the counter.

CHARLIE
Harriet, where did the shake go?
HARRIET
What do you care? I drank it.
(getting into shower)
You could have at least tried it. You make me feel bad sometimes, Charlie. I don’t know why.

With her in the shower, he sneaks back into the bedroom and checks the trash can. Nothing. Then he runs around the bed to the other trash can. Nothing.

He looks thoroughly confused as she enter the bedroom, wearing a towel. She takes the towel off as she slips underneath the covers. He gets into bed next to her. She gives him a kiss.

HARRIET
Sorry. I’m a little sensitive. You didn’t want to drink my milkshake. So what ‑‑ right?
NEWS ANCHORMAN
(ON TV)
Regarding the murder between the two partners, we talked to Toxicologist Dr. Show on the issue.

Charlie and Harriet are watching the news show. DOCTOR SHOW is patched in via the Anchorman’s close circuit TV.

NEWS ANCHORMAN
(ON TV)
Doctor, is it possible that one could be poisoned with no trace at all?
DOCTOR SHOW
(ON TV)
Certainly. There are plants that grow very commonly in our own backyard that could easily be fermented into poison. Take for instance the…
CHARLIE
(getting nervous;

blocking out TV)

Harriet, why don’t we shut the light off.
NEWS ANCHORMAN
(ON TV)
Really? And how easy it that to do?
DOCTOR
(ON TV)
Scarily enough, quite simple. You merely take the…
CHARLIE
(blocking out the TV

again)

Maybe we should turn the light back on. Yeah that’s better.
HARRIET
Charlie, what’s the matter?
CHARLIE
Nothing.
HARRIET
Charlie…
CHARLIE
Well, it’s just…
(re: the TV)
The TV. You can’t even watch the news these days without getting depressed.
HARRIET
I know, Charlie. And it’s not just that. Look at the things people are doing. Partners killing each other… I mean, you hear a story like that, and… who can you really trust these days?
CHARLIE
What do you mean?
HARRIET
It’s like, have you ever stood with someone at the edge of a cliff, or the edge of a subway platform, and you think, just for a split second, “What if I pushed him?”
CHARLIE
Well, I don’t really take the subway ever, so…

Charlie turns over on his side, she cuddles up behind him.

HARRIET
I’m just making a point of how many times we trust people with our lives. I mean, look at us. If you didn’t trust me, you would never be able to fall asleep.
CHARLIE
Why do you say that?
HARRIET
Look at you, you’re sleeping. Look how vulnerable you are. I mean, I could do anything at that point.
CHARLIE
(nervous)
What could you do?
HARRIET
(sweet and innocent)
Anything. You’re lying on your side, asleep, I could… stick a needle in your ear.
CHARLIE
(grabbing his ear at

the thought)

Aahhh!
HARRIET
I’m just making a point of what a good relationship we have. Goodnight, sweetheart.

He looks very uneasy. She kisses him and shuts off the light. The moon gives the room an eerie glow.

HARRIET
Well, good night.
CHARLIE
Good night.

She doesn’t close her eyes. He’s scared to close his. Pause.

CHARLIE
Well… good night.
HARRIET
(smiling)
Good night.

They both look over at each other. She closes her eyes. He takes a deep breath and then closes his eyes.

And covers his ear with his hand.

INT. BART PLATFORM - DAY

Charlie is on the crowded platform. Next to him is an old lady with a lot of shopping bags. Three kids on skateboards whiz by and accidentally knock bags out of her hands. Cat toys and cans of cat food go everywhere. Charlie bends down and starts to help her gather her stuff.

LADY
Thank you very much, young man. I’ve gotta get all this stuff back to my children.
CHARLIE
Your children?
LADY
When I say my children I mean my cats. You see my children moved out years ago, so all I’ve got is my cats. I have over one hundred of them.
CHARLIE
That’s a lot of cats.
HARRIET (O.S.)
Charlie.

Charlie looks up and sees Harriet waving to him from the subway stairs. He waves back and motions. “I’ll be there in a second”, and continues to help the old lady. She watches from the stairs.

LADY
You see this red toy? That’s for the Captain, he’s finicky. and this blue one? That’s for Marco Polo.

Two train headlights are seen off in the distance.

CHARLIE
Do you have a name for all of your cats?
LADY
Oh, yes.

Charlie glances over at Harriet, who slowly makes her way down the platform towards him.

LADY
Let me see! There’s Winston Churchill, Reda Sovine, Thomas Edison, Andrew Carnegie…

The train is getting closer and closer, and so is Harriet.

CHARLIE
…He was Scottish.

Harriet moves forward a step, Charlie moves back a step.

LADY
Wasn’t he Irish?

As Harriet seems to get closer Charlie continues to back up, picking up cat toys. Charlie realizes he has no where else to turn. so he side steps down the platform, never stopping his conversation with the lady.

CHARLIE
Actually he was Scottish. Trust me, I know these things.

Harriet is moving in on him. Charlie steadily makes his way down the platform, feigning accidentally kicking cat food down the platform. The old lady is unsure what is going on, she tries to keep up with him.

LADY
Now that you say it, he was Scotch.

Charlie runs out of platform. Harriet is very close to him. The train is closer, so is Harriet. Charlie lets out a scream.

CHARLIE
Noooooo!

Charlie is standing at the edge of the platform, Harriet is a good six or seven feet away as the train passes by. Charlie is safe. People are all staring at Charlie curiously, including Harriet and the old lady. Charlie is embarrassed.

CHARLIE
(embarrassed)
Nooooooo, Scotch is a drink. Scots are a people. Sorry, that just always bugged me.

No one knows what is going on.

LADY
I’m sorry, I didn’t know it meant so much to you.
CHARLIE
Hi, Harriet.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE BUILDING - DAY

INT. CHRONICLE ANNOUNCEMENTS DESK.
WE SEE A LONG DESK WITH DIFFERENT SIGNS THAT READ; BIRTHS,
DEATHS, AND MARRIAGES.

We find Charlie at the marriage counter.

ASSISTANT
Yes, Sir, can I help you?
CHARLIE
I’d like to put in an announcement of my parents forty-fifth wedding anniversary.
ASSISTANT
Sure, it’s $4.50 per word, and you’ve got a choice of standard or bold.
CHARLIE
Bold, and here, I’ve written it out.

Charlie looks over to the deaths counter. He overhears two obituary assistants having a conversation.

OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
Hi, Frank, busy week?
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2
I’ve only got two. It’s dead around here.

Both assistants laugh. Charlie is mildly bemused.

OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2
Well, I’ve got this one guy, a tourist. He had a heart attack on a cable car.
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
Looks like he left his heart in San Francisco.
MARRIAGE ASSISTANT
Hey, that’s a real person you’re talking about.
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
You’re right, I’m sorry.
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2
Well, there’s this other guy Elliot, Ralph. Plumber, disappeared four months ago. Body found in a sewer.
(pause)
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
(despite himself)
I guess he took his work too seriously, and his life went down the drain.
CHARLIE
Did they mention anything about his wife?
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
(crest fallen)
You’re right, I feel bad. Point taken. I’m mean, these are real people we’re talking about.
CHARLIE
No, I’m serious. Did he mention the wife?
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
You made your point. I was wrong to make a joke about a person’s life.
CHARLIE
I really want to know about his wife.
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
(crying and shouting)
O.K., you win. I’m a bad, bad person.
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2
Frank take it easy.
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
No, he’s right!
(pounding his head

with his fists)

I’m for shit, I’m one insensitive asshole.
CHARLIE
Is there any mention of the wife? At all?
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
NO! THERE’S NO MENTION OF THE WIFE! YOU HAPPY!?

Charlie exits.

EXT. CHRONICLE ANNOUNCEMENT OFFICE - DAY

Charlie stands outside the announcement office, terrified.

INT. MEATS OF THE WORLD

Harriet is talking to a CUSTOMER.

HARRIET
Hi.
CHARLIE
I’m sorry.
(beat)
I think you’re a terrific woman.
(beat)
I just don’t think we should see each other anymore.

She moves around to Charlie. She lifts his chin so that he is looking directly into her eyes.

HARRIET
Why not? And tell me the truth.
CHARLIE
The truth. Okay. The truth is…

She is so close to him, and so very beautiful, it’s distracting.

CHARLIE
The truth is… I’m afraid that you are…
(he can’t)
You’re going to laugh.
HARRIET
I don’t think so.
CHARLIE
Okay… the truth is that I’m afraid you’re going to ki… leave me.
HARRIET
I’m going to “cleave you?” What does that mean?
CHARLIE
Leave me. Not “cleave me.” Reject me. And so I decided to take matters into my own hands and get it over with by…
HARRIET
Rejecting me.
CHARLIE
(he feels awful)
Purely preventive… It’s not anything you’ve done.
HARRIET
I know that… So why are you leaving me?
CHARLIE
(heartbroken)
Harriet, maybe I’m not meant to be in a relationship.

A single tear runs down her cheek. She brushes it away quickly.

CHARLIE
I never wanted to hurt you.
HARRIET
You haven’t. At least you left early on.
(she’s crying)
So, that’s it, then. I’ve got a lot of work to do.
(to Customer)
Now, where were we?

Charlie goes.

INT. SPILETTI’S COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT

Charlie lies on the bar head down. Tony rushes in, looks around and sees Charlie.

CHARLIE
(without lifting head)
Two hours and four minutes. Tony, I need you, and two hours and four minutes later you show up.
TONY
Sorry. I know it was irresponsible to stay at the drug bust until it was over, but… What happened?
CHARLIE
(slowly sitting up)
I’m gonna tell you, but when I do, just say nothing. Don’t judge me. Just be my friend. Okay?
TONY
Fine. Okay.
CHARLIE
I broke up with Harriet.
TONY
You’re an asshole.
CHARLIE
What’s your point?
TONY
I’m sorry, I just… why?
CHARLIE
Tony, she’s a killer. The… everything.
TONY
But nothing’s proven. The only thing you’re actually sure she did so far is she’s treated you like a King.
CHARLIE
I dunno, Tony, I just…
TONY
Besides, everyone has something going on with them. I mean, you can’t find everything in one person. I mean, she’s bright, she’s funny, she’s independent. So maybe, and it’s really just a maybe, she kills her husbands. Marriage is give and take, Man. You take the good with the bad.

INT. CHARLIE’S BEDROOM - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Charlie lies in bed. He’s writing in his journal. He stares out into space. Inspired, he writes…

ANGLE ON THE JOURNAL
DON’T BE DISILLUSIONED BY THE SCOTTISH SON AS HE FLIES, IN
BAT-LIKE UNISON
CHARLIE

pauses a moment to reflect, then writes…

ANGLE ON THE JOURNAL
UNTRUST-ING
UNKNOW-ING UNLOV-ING
CHARLIE

Thinks of something else and writes…

ANGLE ON THE JOURNAL

THIS POEM SUCKS

His hand reaches across and scratches it out.

EXT. HAIGHT-ASHBURY STREET - DAY

Charlie is exiting a vintage record store. Suddenly he finds himself face to face with Sherri. She’s accompanied by a handsome young man.

SHERRI
Hey, Charlie.
CHARLIE
Hi. How’re you doing.
(he glances at her

friend)

Good, huh?
SHERRI
I’m okay. This is Michael. Michael, this is Charlie MacKenzie.
YOUNG GUY
I know. Why don’t you two talk. I’m going over there to buy some magazines.

He walks over to a magazine stand.

CHARLIE
That good looking and he can read!
SHERRI
I’m teaching him. I heard you have a new girlfriend.
CHARLIE
We broke up. There were problems.
SHERRI
Problems?
CHARLIE
Difficulties.
SHERRI
Let me guess…
(smiles)
She’s a murderer.

For a moment, Charlie is too stunned to respond. Then…

CHARLIE
Why did you just say that?
SHERRI
(laughs)
What else is left?

INT. CHARLIE’S BEDROOM - EARLY EVENING

He’s on the Stair Master, stepping very lethargically. The TELEPHONE RINGS: He goes to answer.

CHARLIE
Hello…
TONY
(through phone)
Not that it matters anymore, but I thought you should know ‑‑ someone just turned themselves in for the murder of Ralph Elliot.
CHARLIE
Really? Did she confess to the other murders?
TONY
Just the plumber so far, but she’ll come along.
(after a pause)
A little old lady from Pacific Heights. Said he overcharged her on a leaking sink.
CHARLIE
Really. Leaky sink, huh?
TONY
Anyway, crime to stop. Gotta go. I’ll catch you later.

Tony hangs up. Charlie stops pedaling on the bike. Now he really feels like shit. Harriet’s not a killer. Sherri’s not a cheater.

He races out of the bedroom.

Moments later he appears, puts on a pair of pants over his exercise shorts, then races out the door again.

EXT./INT. CHARLIE’S CAR - EARLY EVENING

Charlie races along towards Harriet’s house.

EXT. HARRIET’S APARTMENT DOOR - DAY

He races up to the door and starts to bang and knock and ring…

CHARLIE
(through door)
Harriet, it’s me, Charlie.
HARRIET (O.S.)
Go away, Charlie.
CHARLIE
I’ve gotta talk to you, cause I miss you, and I made a mistake… and if you give me another chance I’ll change. I will. I promise. I’ll get help, or therapy, or… Yeah, that’ll be great. Therapy. Even twice a week. I’ll check with my insurance to see if I’m covered, but forget that. Harriet…

The chain opens on the door.

HARRIET
You really hurt me.
CHARLIE
I’ll make it up to you, can we at least talk.
HARRIET
Sure, talk.

Rose steps up behind Charlie.

ROSE (O.S.)
Hi, Charlie.
CHARLIE
AAAhhhhhh.
ROSE
(as she now proceeds
to be let in by

Harriet)

Trust your first instincts, Charlie. You never do. It’s your big mistake. That and the haircut.

Once again, baffled by Rose, Charlie touches his hair, shakes it off and looks Harriet right in the eye.

CHARLIE
I don’t want to lose you.
HARRIET
You didn’t lose me. You rejected me.
CHARLIE
I’m unrejecting you.
HARRIET
How do I know you won’t reject me again?
CHARLIE
I love you.
HARRIET
(after a long pause)
I love you. But you blew it, Charlie, you blew it.

She goes into the house. Charlie stands there dejected. He knows he’s blown it.

INT. HARRIET’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Harriet is doing a load of laundry consisting of bloodied work clothes. Suddenly she can hear the sound of MUSIC, very loudly.

Annoyed, she goes out her front door to tell her neighbors off. Just as she’s about to knock on the door, she realizes it’s not the source of the music. At that moment her neighbor, who is a STEWARDESS, comes out in nightclothes.

STEWARDESS
I don’t mean to be a pain, but I’m a stewardess, and I have an early flight out in the morning. Can you please keep your music down?
HARRIET
I thought it was coming from here.
STEWARDESS
But someone keeps shouting your name over and over.

Puzzled, Harriet rushes back to her own balcony.

EXT. HARRIET’S APARTMENT - BALCONY - NIGHT

Harriet rushes out and smiles as she sees the source of the noise. Charlie serenades Harriet in the street below, accompanied by a TRUMPETER with a MUTE, a DOUBLE BASS PLAYER AND A GUY ON A SNARE.

CHARLIE
HARRIET, HARRIET HARD-HEARTED HARBINGER OF HAGGIS BEAUTIFUL, BEMUSED BELLICOSE BUTCHER UNTRUST-ING UNKNOW-ING UNLOV-ING HE WANTS YOU BACK HE SCREAMS INTO THE NIGHT AIR LIKE A FIREMAN GOING TO A WINDOW THAT HAS NO FIRE EXCEPT THE PASSION OF HIS HEART I AM LONELY, IT’S REALLY HARD THIS POEM SUCKS

A crowd has gathered in the street and spectators group on their balconies. They break out into APPLAUSE. Charlie proudly takes the applause and bows to Harriet. She throws him a flower. He’s won her back.

INT. BATHTUB - HARRIET’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Romantic with candles surrounding the tub. Harriet and Charlie are bathing together. Wherever one of them moves, the water extinguishes a candle and Charlie lights it. This is keeping him pretty busy.

HARRIET
I’ve been there for almost a year. I only planned on stay with her for a few weeks, but she gets upset every time I say I’m moving.
CHARLIE
You were close as kids?
HARRIET
I pretty much raised her. You know the scene. Depressed mother… withdrawn father.
(she remembers)
My dad was a photographer too.
CHARLIE
Really?
HARRIET
He hated it. Trudging off to those weddings every Saturday night. Other people’s celebrations he called it. He said sometimes they didn’t even offer him a glass of soda. He had a small studio, and every year at Christmas he’d take a picture of me and Rose and put it in the window on a little card that said “Seasons Greetings.” Awful pictures. It’s like… I could see his pain in my face. Anyway, me and my sister worked with our “childhood issues” in different ways. She became a photographer and I became phobic about having my picture taken. It’s quite a family.
CHARLIE
Where are they now? Your parents?
HARRIET
Dead. Car accident.

There is a RING at the door.

ROSE (O.S.)
Harriet, its for you.

INT. HARRIET’S LIVING ROOM

Charlie comes out of the bathroom in a robe.

HARRIET
Charlie, I want you to meet a friend of mine. Say hi to Ralph.
CHARLIE
(shocked)
Ralph?

A plain looking lady in her thirties, RALPH, is sitting by the window.

CHARLIE
(delighted)
Oh, like Ralph, the lady carpenter in Green Acres!
HARRIET
This is Charlie.
CHARLIE
I love you!
RALPH
It’s nice to meet you.
CHARLIE
(ecstatic)
Nice? It’s more than nice. It’s great to meet you. It’s fantastic to meet you. I just, I can’t tell you how glad I am. Ralph. Really. I am.
RALPH
Well, thank you, I’ve heard a lot of nice things about you too, and…

He rushes over to hug her.

CHARLIE
Oh, Ralphie, I love you.

Swept up in his enthusiasm his towel falls off. Harriet is shocked, but amused.

HARRIET
I’ll leave you guys alone. Have a great time.

Charlie realizes he is naked. His arms are still wrapped around Ralph.

CHARLIE
I’m naked, aren’t I?
HARRIET
Why, yes, you are.
CHARLIE
I should really get dressed now.

He hurriedly puts his towel back on, bolts to the bedroom door. Just before he enters, he pauses and turns to Ralph.

CHARLIE
(to Ralph)
Call me.

He leaves.

RALPH
(to Harriet; a little

confused)

Friendly guy.

CUT TO:

A KITCHEN DOOR OPENS…

and Charlie’s mother, MAY, shoulders her way through the door, carrying a HAPPY ANNIVERSARY CAKE with a big 45 written on it.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL WE ARE IN:

INT. CHARLIE’S PARENTS’ APARTMENT - NIGHT

May and Stuart’s 45 year anniversary party. UNCLE ANGUS is at the piano playing “Happy Anniversary” as Charlie’s parents, all their friends and Harriet all sit around the piano SINGING:

THE GROUP
Happy Anniversary to you…
(Etc.)

The song ends. May and Stuart blow out the candles.

MAY
Okay, everyone come and get a piece of cake and some milk.
CHARLIE
Hey Dad, I got an anniversary present for you…

Stuart looks up, and Charlie gets him in a headlock and pins him to the ground.

STUART
I’m proud of you, son. I’m proud of you.
(Stuart addresses the

group)

I just wanna propose a toast. To my wife. Forty five years ago today May and I got married. Some of you were there, some of you weren’t born yet, some of you are now dead, but… We both said, “I do” and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since. But, I’m glad I married you May cause… It could have been worse and besides… I still love you.

They kiss and everyone APPLAUDS. Uncle Angus breaks into, “Stand By Your Man.” May and Stuart start to dance. Charlie looks at another young couple who are touched by this sincere display of love. He looks over at Harriet. Stuart and May feed each other cake. Charlie approaches Harriet.

CHARLIE
Harriet, I wanna talk to you.
HARRIET
Boy, you really made some impression with Ralph. She can’t get over you.
CHARLIE
(stalling; nervous)
I’m just so happy for you to have friends like Ralph. What a great friend to have.
HARRIET
Is everything all right, Charlie? You’re perspiring.
CHARLIE
Harriet… marry me.
HARRIET
What?
CHARLIE
I want to have a wedding. With you.
HARRIET
No.
CHARLIE
Please.
HARRIET
I don’t know, Charlie. It’s so good like it is. Why don’t we just live together first?
CHARLIE
Because, I love you and I want you to marry me and be with me for 45 years. I want you to have my children, and I want to have your children. I know that sounds like a lot of children, and they might not all get along, but… I’m finally ready to trust you and to make a commitment. Marry me, Harriet, please. Be my wife.

Harriet flinches slightly at the word “Wife”, but Charlie is too wrapped up in the moment to notice. Stuart addresses the group.

STUART
I’d like to thank Charlie for throwing us this party. I hope some day you have the same great 45 years that we’ve had.

People clap and smile. Harriet looks at Charlie. He has tears in his eyes.

HARRIET
Yes.

At first it doesn’t register. Then…

CHARLIE
You will?

She smiles.

HARRIET
Let’s get married, Charlie.

They kiss.

MAY
(from across room)
Harriet, come here a minute. I want you and Uncle Angus to play a song together.

Harriet and Charlie kiss one last time and she goes to the piano.

Charlie stays in the corner, and Tony comes over.

TONY
Hey, sorry I’m so late. What’s happening?
CHARLIE
Nothing. Nothing at all. Just two little things…
(as Tony looks in)
That woman over there in the corner… She’s Harriet’s friend, and her name is Ralph.
TONY
No shit.
CHARLIE
And secondly… That woman over there…
(Re: Harriet)
That’s Harriet, and we’re getting married.
TONY
(excited)
Fantastic… What did I tell you. She’s a great girl. And the last thing in the world she’d be is a murderer.

And then Harriet begins singing at the piano.

HARRIET
(singing)
ONLY YOU… CAN MAKE THIS WORLD SEEM RIGHT… ONLY YOU… CAN MAKE THIS DARKNESS LIGHT…"

Tony and Charlie look at each other. “Only you?” Then Charlie looks at his bride with confidence.

He walks over and joins her. She sings to him. It’s a moment.

INT. JEWELRY STORE - DAY

Charlie and Harriet pick out a diamond ring.

INT. TRAVEL AGENCY

Charlie and Harriet point to brochures of the different cities they could go to on their honeymoon. They decide on a picture of the “DRY CREEK LODGE” in Oregon.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE

They are getting their blood tests back. Harriet looks at hers, casually. Charlie is nervous. Reluctantly he opens the file and looks at it. He is pleased with the results and does a victory dance.

EXT. SCOTTISH PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH - ESTABLISHING

INT. SCOTTISH PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH

Charlie and Harriet are being married. Harriet is in a beautiful wedding gown. Charlie is wearing a kilt. Tony is the best man. He also wears a kilt. Stuart, also kilted, May, the whole family along with a hundred well-wishers are in attendance. The SCOTTISH MINISTER presides. Rose is in a kilt.

SCOTTISH MINISTER
Now, Mr. MacKenzie, if you will take this woman to be your wife, through thick and thin, for better or for worse, please say: “I do”…
CHARLIE
I do…
SCOTTISH MINISTER
Now Harriet, if you will take this man, through good times and bad, for ever and ever, as your husband, please say “I Do”…

Harriet starts to speak; but right before the words come out, she stares into Charlie’s eyes and STOPS. Charlie looks nervous. So does the Scottish Minister. So does Tony. So does everyone.

HARRIET
(after a long pause;

finally:)

I do.
SCOTTISH MINISTER
Now Charlie… Kiss the beautiful bride!

Charlie and Harriet kiss. We can see (though Charlie can’t) Harriet has a strange unsure expression on her face. Tony notices it though and can’t figure it out.

STUART
Let’s get pissed.

The wedding march kicks in being played by a drunken Scotsman on BAGPIPES.

INT. RECEPTION HALL

A Scottish accordionist and a Drummer play SCOTLAND THE BRAVE. Some OLDER SCOTTISH AUNTIES are CLAPPING and HOOTING LOUDLY along with the tune. Some young girl COUSINS in traditional Scottish costume, dance the sword dance along to SCOTLAND THE BRAVE.

We pass the buffet which we see is catered by “Meats Of The World.” Then we pass a very drunken Stuart in a heated discussion with four other people.

STUART
You know Golden Gate park was designed by a Scotsman, MacClaren, which is who MacClaren park was named after.

The others agree heartily.

May and Tony are dancing. May is dancing uncomfortably close. She keeps sliding her hand down to his ass, which he then has to move back to his shoulder.

Then we come to William, who’s reluctantly at the children’s table. All his little cousins are queuing up for a chance to feel his head.

We find Charlie in a corner. One of the hooting Scottish aunties is trying to get him to have another Scotch.

AUNTIE MOLLY
(proffering the Scotch)
Charlie, get this down your neck.
CHARLIE
Auntie Molly if I have another one I’ll end up underneath the table with my kilt over my head.

Tony joins them.

TONY
Where’s Harriet?
CHARLIE
I don’t know. Oh, there she is.

She’s in the corner by herself looking weird and ominous. She has enough food in front or her for three people.

She eats ravenously and incessantly. Charlie goes over to her.

CHARLIE
A little hungry, were you?

At that moment, a FLASH goes off. Harriet looks up angrily.

HARRIET
What are you…!

Then she realizes it’s Rose. She calms down and smiles. Charlie looks at her, a little peculiarly, but Harriet regains her composure.

HARRIET
Sorry. The flash just…

The band kicks into a new dance. A YOUNG BOY comes up to the bagpipe man with a shot of whiskey and whispers into his ear. The bagpipe man stops the song, downs the whiskey and then breaks into Rod Stewart’s “IF YOU THINK I’M SEXY.” From across the room we hear Stuart singing.

STUART
(full volume; singing)
IF YOU THINK I’M SEXY… AND YOU WANT MY BODY… COME ON BABY LET ME KNOW.

Stuart gives the Bagpiper the thumbs up. The young people in the room start to jam, and then one by one the other guests start getting into the swing of things. The bagpipe man continues playing. It is clear that he is far too drunk to play. He slowly keels over, drunk. And as he falls over face first, he lands on his Bagpipes. The bagpipes let out an ATONAL DEFLATING SOUND like the last dying throes of a tortured animal. The BAGPIPE WAIL extends into the next scene.

EXT. HIGH ABOVE COAST - DAY

CHARLIE (V.O.)
Wait ’til you see this place, Harriet.

INT. CHARLIE’S CAR - DAY

They drive along the beautiful coast. Harriet is still eating. They’re listening to TEENAGE FAN CLUB.

CHARLIE
This is Teenage Fan Club. They’re from Scotland.
HARRIET
They’re great.
CHARLIE
We’ll have the whole lodge to ourselves practically.
HARRIET
I can’t wait, Charlie.
CHARLIE
I wish you could be me, so you could know how great it feels to be with you.
HARRIET
It sounds wonderful
CHARLIE
Do you think that would be a good line for a poem?
HARRIET
Honestly? It sounds a little Hallmark.
CHARLIE
Yeah, it’s a little Seals and Croft. I have a habit of sabotaging relationships, and there were a million times during me and you that I could have blown this, and I just thank God that I didn’t…

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Tony is at his desk. The captain kicks open the door, knocking Tony’s feet off the desk. The captain is now dressed in suspenders, a loosened tie, and a shirt with pit stains.

CAPTAIN
O.K., Spiletti, I got word from upstairs that you been pokin’ your nose into that Ralph Elliot case.
TONY
Yes, Captain.
CAPTAIN
Don’t “yes, Captain” me, Spiletti. You’re outta line. This is strictly homicide.
TONY
Captain, I got this friend…
CAPTAIN
Friend? Yeah, we all got friends, Spiletti. I’m warning you, Stay away from this one. Back off, Italian boy. You’re getting too close to this one.
TONY
Captain, I know what I’m doing. Trust me. What’s the news.
CAPTAIN
I can’t believe I’m doing this, but that girl who confused to Ralph Elliot’s murder also confessed to other murders.
TONY
I knew she would! I knew it!
CAPTAIN
Yeah, apparently she also confessed to killing Abe Lincoln, Julius Caesar, and Warren G. Harding. She’s a nut, Spiletti!
TONY
(getting up)
Oh, my god! I gotta go!
CAPTAIN
Yeah, screw this one up Spiletti and you’ll be writing parking tickets for the rest of your days.
TONY
I won’t let you down, Captain.

Tony exits for a beat, then pokes his head in the doorway.

TONY
That’s much better Captain.
CAPTAIN
(nice again)
You think so? Well, thank you very much.

EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Tony hurries to his car.

EXT. GAS STATION ALONG THE COAST - DAY

They stop at a gas station with a small mini-mart. As Charlie is filling the tank he notices Harriet slipping the key out of the ignition before she walks to the mini-mart for more food.

HARRIET
You want anything?
CHARLIE
Lamb chops, creamed spinach, stuffed tomatoes and a Hershey Bar.

Harriet arrives at the little Ma and Pa type mini-mart and smiles to Charlie.

CHARLIE
If they don’t have all that, I’ll just take the Hershey bar.

EXT. CHARLIE’S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Tony stands at the door, buzzing the buzzer to no response.

INT. CHARLIE’S CAR - EARLY EVENING

They are still driving along the coast. Charlie is eating his Hershey Bar. Harriet’s eyes are becoming a bit glazed now, her movements a little static. She keeps looking behind them and out the window.

CHARLIE
What do you keep looking behind us for?
(joking)
Is someone following you, or…?
HARRIET
They were. I think they’re gone.
CHARLIE
(curious; pausing)
What do you mean, they were?
HARRIET
The gas station guy. I thought he was chasing us for a while, but I guess he stopped.
CHARLIE
The gas station guy? Why would the gas station guy chase us.
HARRIET
I don’t know, Charlie. I guess for not paying.
CHARLIE
What do you mean not paying? You didn’t pay him for the gas.
HARRIET
I forgot to pay… I didn’t want to be away from you for any longer.
CHARLIE
So, you just left.
HARRIET
Yes. And you’re an accomplice.

He stops mid-bite on his Hershey Bar. He’s confused.

CHARLIE
I’m not sure I understand.
HARRIET
Look, Charlie, don’t you get it? We’re a team.
CHARLIE
(going with it)
I can play that game. I’ll get the next gas station. Like Bonnie & Clyde.

He and Bonnie continue on the winding road and pass a sign that reads: “DRY CREEK LODGE - 40 MILES”

INT. HALLWAY - HARRIET’S APARTMENT - DAY

Tony knocks. No answer. He picks the lock and enters.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Rose is tied up and lying in a pool of blood. Tony stops for a beat, draws his gun and slowly walks over to her. Just as he gets there, a SHUTTER CLICKS.

ROSE
Oh, hi!
TONY
(practically hysterical)
What is it with the women in your family?
ROSE
I was just doing a murder series in honor of the wedding.
TONY
Hey, this is real blood.
ROSE
Yes, Harriet, give it to me. She’s a butcher.
(Tony reacts)
…She owns a butcher shop.
TONY
I need a picture of Harriet.
ROSE
Sorry. No can do.
TONY
You took a picture at the party. I saw it.
ROSE
It didn’t come out.
TONY
Look, Rose. I need a photo.
ROSE
The picture didn’t come out.
(he waits)
It was unflattering. In made her look ten pounds heavier.
(he waits)
She’s my sister.
TONY
She’s been implicated in a crime. I need the photo to eliminate her as a suspect.
ROSE
And if she’s not innocent. If she’s, you know, “quirky?”
TONY
If she’s “quirky” we’ll save Charlie’s life.

Rose pulls out a photograph ‑‑ Charlie and Harriet. Looking young and in love.

EXT. DRY CREEK LODGE - LATE IN THE DAY

A beautiful old Colonial Mansion, nestled in the mountains and forests of the North-West. Romantic and from another day. Charlie and Harriet pull up in front of it.

The Valets open the door for them.

HARRIET
It’s like a castle, Charlie. It’s so beautiful.
VALET
Welcome to the Dry Creek. You just beat the rainstorm. Two hours later and the roads’d probably be closed.
CHARLIE
Great. If you could help us with the luggage, we have these two in the back seat and…

As they deal with the luggage, Harriet starts to walk away from the hotel, away from the car, rain falling on her head. She walks straight at the CAMERA, so only we can see her expression. Her expression is one of simply “losing it”.

CHARLIE
Harriet? What are you doing honey?

Harriet turns around and smiles at Charlie. He smiles back.

INT. LOBBY OF DRY CREEK LODGE - EVENING

Charlie and Harriet stand at the desk. Harriet is not quite paying attention. Her attention span has slipped to none. She’s fidgety. She looks around suspiciously at everything and everyone.

DESK CLERK
Welcome, Sir. We have you with us for four nights, Mr. MacKenzie. Dinner reservations are at eight-thirty.
CHARLIE
Great. Sounds terrific.
DESK CLERK
Also, you might wanna prepare some candles by the bed. We’re expecting the rainstorm to get even worse. We might even lose the power tonight.
CHARLIE
Did you hear that, Harriet? A storm. I can’t think of anything more romantic than the two of us trapped in our room in the middle of a rain storm.
(noticing her)
You okay, Harriet?
HARRIET
Just a little head-ache.
(to clerk)
Excuse me, is there a drug store in the hotel? I want to get some aspirin.
DESK CLERK
Right beyond those trees, Ma’m. Anything you need.
HARRIET
Thanks. Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back.

Harriet walks off to the lobby store, backwards, looking at Charlie. Charlie watches her walk off. The Desk Clerk sits staring at Charlie.

DESK CLERK
You think she’s really got a head- ache?
CHARLIE
What?
DESK CLERK
Ah, nothing. Here’s your key. You’re in the Oak Room.

Charlie looks back at the drug store, where Harriet is shopping. She waves to him. Charlie looks back at the Desk Clerk and grabs the key.

CUT TO:

FAX OF THE PHOTO OF CHARLIE & HARRIET

coming out of a fax machine.

INT. WALTER’S PLUMBING - EARLY EVENING

WALTER, the owner of the Plumbing store, dressed in overalls takes the Fax out and then picks up the phone.

WALTER
That’s Ralph Elliot’s wife, alright. She had shorter hair in those days.

INT. MARTIAL ARTS STUDIO - NIGHT

MASTER CHO, the new owner of the studio, dressed in a gee, looks at the same fax.

MASTER CHO
(into phone)
Mrs. Richter gain much weight since then, but it’s definitely her.

INT. THE LIZARD’S LOUNGE - ATLANTIC CITY

RANDY ROMANO, the owner, talks into the phone, holding up the faxed photo of Charlie and Harriet.

RANDY
That’s his little lollipop, alright. Boy he loved her. I’ll tell you, she was a lot of fun. Smart. A doll face to boot.

INT. TONY’S CUBICLE - NIGHT

Tony is on the phone. Kathy, seen before at the police station, stands with him.

TONY
Circuits are out from the storm.

Tony gets to the police station door and opens it. Kathy follows him.

TONY
(to Kathy)
Keep trying the hotel. Tell the chief I just chartered a plane up to Oregon.

The Police Captain enters.

CAPTAIN
(points to his hair)
See that Spiletti ‑‑ A gray hair! Every day, Spiletti, I find another one. And that’s all due to you. Get out there, and catch me some bad guys!
TONY
Not now, Captain.
CAPTAIN
(nice again)
Sorry.

Tony dashes out of the police station and into his car.

INT. CHARLIE’S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

A beautiful suite, with a fireplace burning a big stack of wood, with another stack next to it, with an AXE in it. Music is playing softly on the stereo. And Charlie and Harriet have just finished making love underneath the covers, illuminated just by the light of the fireplace.

CHARLIE
This is the best honeymoon I could ever imagine, Harriet. If we had to pack and go home right now, I’d still think it was the greatest honeymoon ever.

Harriet doesn’t respond. Her head is turned from his.

CHARLIE
Don’t you agree, Harriet? Harriet?

He pulls the sheets away from her face to see that she is crying.

CHARLIE
(wiping her tears)
What? What are you crying? What is it?
HARRIET
It’s nothing. It’s just… I was just thinking… We’re married now. And I always wanted to try and have kids, and…
CHARLIE
So do I. Look, there’s nothing more I’d like to do than have, kids, or…
HARRIET
It’s just, I get scared that certain things will happen, or…
CHARLIE
What are you talking about? You’re gonna be a great Mom. I know you will.
HARRIET
It’s not that, Charlie.
CHARLIE
What then?
HARRIET
You’re gonna laugh.
CHARLIE
Tell me. Of course I’m not gonna laugh. Kids is a big thing. It’s hard. I’m sure I have the same fears.
HARRIET
If we have kids, Charlie, things happen. Kids are healthy and fine, and some aren’t, and I don’t know if I could live with myself if I gave birth to a child with webbed feet.

Charlie stops to think about this. Webbed feet?

CHARLIE
Webbed feet?
HARRIET
You’re laughing.
CHARLIE
No, I’m not laughing.
HARRIET
You think that’s silly?
CHARLIE
No, no. That’s a natural fear. I’ve thought about that fear.
HARRIET
It really worries me, Charlie.
CHARLIE
(quite confused)
Well, look, they have, doctors ‑‑ I assume ‑‑ that deal, only with, webbed feet. And, God Forbid, and I’m talking strictly hypothetically, should that happen, we’ll find one.
HARRIET
(kissing him; happy

now)

You’re the greatest Charlie.
CHARLIE
(confused, to say the

least)

Thanks. We should get ready for dinner.

EXT./INT. CHARTERED CESSNA - NIGHT

A small plane flies through the clouds. It’s just Tony and DENNIS the pilot.

Dennis never really realizes this is more than a sightseeing tour, and constantly points out scenic points along the way.

DENNIS
Out your left side, you can see the Sierra Nevada, which is the largest mountain range west of the Rockies…
TONY
Great. Rockies. I don’t care. Oregon. Move.

INT. CHARLIE’S HOTEL ROOM AT DRY CREEK LODGE - NIGHT

Charlie is dressed very sharply in sport coat and tie. He yells into the bathroom where we can see part of Harriet from behind.

CHARLIE
You almost ready? The first seating is in five minutes.
HARRIET
(from other room)
I just wanna look good for you, Charlie. That’s all.
CHARLIE
I’m sure you look great. I’m sure you look…

Harriet turns the corner, wearing a nice dress. Her hair looks okay. She’s wearing perfume. The only problem is, she has two lines of mascara running down her cheeks. She’s been crying. Charlie looks curious.

HARRIET
Do I look okay, Charlie?
CHARLIE
Yes. Well…

Charlie points to his own eye.

HARRIET
What’s wrong?
CHARLIE
Nothing. You kind of look like Tammy Faye Baker right now.

She looks in the mirror.

HARRIET
Oh, yeah.

She goes back into the bathroom.

EXT. CESSNA - NIGHT

The plane descends towards the runway. The rain comes down hard.

DENNIS (V.O.)
As we prepare to land, we can see off to our left Lake Shanony, which is…
TONY (V.O.)
Just land. Don’t worry about Lake Shanony. I don’t give a shit about Lake Shanony.

The plane touches down.

EXT. DRY CREEK LODGE - NIGHT

Rain pours fantastically on the gothic castle. Wind blows hard.

MAN’S VOICE (V.O.)
A toast to our new friends, Charlie and Harriet…

INT. BEAUTIFUL FRENCH RESTAURANT IN HOTEL - NIGHT

A beautiful dining room with a small dance floor. Charlie sits at an intimate table for two with Harriet. A small band plays in the b.g., as the BAND LEADER is making the toast. The five or six other couples in the restaurant also hold up their glass.

BAND LEADER
…we’re honored to be here for this very special day in…

The CONCIERGE at this point interrupts to bring Charlie a TELEPHONE. Everyone stops and watches and waits.

CONCIERGE
I’m sorry to interrupt, Sir. There’s a phone call for you from town.
(Charlie takes phone)
They say it’s quite urgent.

The toast, as well as the entire room, stops ‑‑ almost like an E.F. Hutton commercial, waiting for Charlie’s phone call to finish.

CHARLIE
(curious)
Hello?

INT. AIRPORT IN OREGON - EARLY EVENING

Tony speaks into the phone frantically.

TONY
Charlie, you okay?
INTERCUT PHONE CALL
CHARLIE
Great. Couldn’t be better.
TONY
Charlie, listen to me! It’s her! Harriet is Mrs. X! She killed Ralph and the two other men!

Charlie looks up across the table at Harriet who is completely caught up in the event of seeing how long she can keep her hand in the candle before it hurts.

She puts it in, smiles then takes it out. She shakes her hand, and repeats the process.

CHARLIE
(talking softly)
Look, that’s great ‑‑ it just so happens though, that I met…
(louder than he had

hoped)

Ralph, and much to my delight, not only is she alive, but she’s female. I thought I told you.

Harriet looks at Charlie, very suspiciously. He looks back at her, and tries to smile, pretending that he is having a pleasant, and completely irrelevant conversation.

TONY
Rose had a picture. It checked out. It’s her, Charlie. She is the murderer.
HARRIET
Charlie, your food is getting cold.

Charlie waves “One Minute” to Harriet, as she watches.

CHARLIE
So, what do I do?
TONY
I called the police. All the roads are closed, but they’re on their way. In the mean time just…

The line goes DEAD.

CHARLIE
Hello?
(pressing receiver)
Hello?
HARRIET
What’s a matter, Charlie?
CHARLIE
(to concierge)
The phone just went dead. I was on the phone and it went dead.
CONCIERGE
That’s quite common, sir. I’m sure the lines’ll be out in the whole city ’til tomorrow. Enjoy your meal, Sir.

The Concierge takes the phone away. Charlie turns slowly to Harriet, genuinely scared.

HARRIET
What happened, Charlie?
CHARLIE
Nothing… Nothing happened. Just the lines are down. Phone lines.

Suddenly, the band leader continues with his toast.

BAND LEADER
(over microphone)
…so to these two young people, we wish them a long and happy life together and would like to play their song. The Platters ‑‑ “Only You”.

The band starts to play “Only You”.

People APPLAUD. Harriet and Charlie just stare at each other. He knows.

The older couple at the next table, MR. & MRS. LEVENSTEIN, lean over to their table.

MR. LEVENSTEIN
How about the traditional Bride & Groom dance?

Another couple walks by and pulls them literally out of the their seats and onto the dance floor.

OTHER COUPLE
Come on. It’s a tradition.

Charlie finds himself in the middle of the dance floor dancing slowly with Harriet. He’s scared out of his mind. The music plays in the background. Harriet smiles strangely at him. He tries to smile back, checking all the Exits, planning an escape.

Then suddenly, call it luckily, MR. LEVENSTEIN, interrupts:

MR. LEVENSTEIN
Excuse me. Could I cut in on your dance?
CHARLIE
Of course. Sure…

Charlie gives her hand away to Mr. Levenstein. He takes Mrs. Levenstein’s hand and starts to dance towards the EXIT, when suddenly the ELECTRICITY GOES OUT. The MUSIC is out. The LIGHTS ARE OUT.

In the dimmest of lights provided from the cloud covered moon outside, Charlie runs across the dance floor, fighting for an exit to the outside.

He arrives in someone’s arms on his way.

CHARLIE
I need your help! You have to help me! I’ve married a…!

The LIGHTS GO BACK ON and Charlie is in HARRIET’S ARMS again. Her face is near menacing now. She smiles a very disturbed grin. He doesn’t know what to say.

HARRIET
(much too pleasant)
Hello, Charlie.

Charlie and her are squared off. Neither speak. Suddenly both of them are lifted into the air. They look down and see the waiters and busboys picking them up onto chairs, throwing them up in the air again and again. The MUSIC plays along loudly.

Harriet watches Charlie very closely, as Charlie looks scared. Then, the people start to carry them out of the room and down the hallway.

WAITER
Let’s take ’em to their room.
CONCIERGE
Yeah, I’m sure they’ve had enough of these crowds for one night.
CHARLIE
My dinner. I didn’t finish my dinner yet.
HARRIET
Smile, Charlie. Act like you’re having a good time.

INT. OREGON AIRPORT - SAME/NIGHT

Tony is talking to an attractive young girl behind the airport Rent-A-Car booth.

RENT-A-CAR GIRL
I’m sorry, Sir. The roads are all closed. We can’t rent any cars this evening.
TONY
You have to rent me something. I’ve gotta get up there. My friend’s in danger…

INT. CHARLIE & HARRIET’S ROOM - NIGHT

The other hotel guests threw them inside. The room is all made up, the sheets are pulled down, the firewood is cut, the AXE is in the wood.

CONCIERGE
Have a good night, you two.
CHARLIE
Come on in. Stay for a nightcap.
BELLBOY
No, you two wanna be alone. See you.
CHARLIE
(demanding)
Stay for a nightcap!
BELLBOY
Sir, I really don’t think I should
CHARLIE
(shouting)
STAY FOR A NIGHTCAP!

The bellboy is frightened and runs away.

CHARLIE
(shouting down the

hall after him)

STAY FOR A NIGHTCAP!

Harriet pulls Charlie back into the room, frightened that he’s leaving.

HARRIET
Don’t go, Charlie.

EXT. AIRPORT - NIGHT

Tony runs out of the airport terminal where he sees a man in his forties who’s just entered his four wheel drive jeep.

TONY
(flashing his badge)
Excuse me, Sir, I’m with the San Francisco Police Department. I’m on official business and I’m afraid I have to commandeer your vehicle.
MAN
(unfazed)
No.
TONY
What do you mean no?!
MAN
I happen to know for a fact that you don’t have the power to commandeer my vehicle.
TONY
This is true.
(pause)
Please can I commandeer your vehicle?
MAN
Well, where are you going?
TONY
To The Dry Creek Lodge.
MAN
I’ll give you a lift.
TONY
Well, I don’t want a lift, I really want to commandeer the vehicle. Please just let me commandeer the vehicle.
MAN
Why don’t you just let me drive you there? Really, I don’t mind, it’s on my way.
(pause)
TONY
You’re not going to bend on the commandeering thing are you?
MAN
No.
TONY
Well, if we get stopped will you at least let me say that I commandeered the vehicle, but I let you drive?
MAN
I’m uncomfortable with that.
TONY
Please?
MAN
All right.

INT. CHARLES AND HARRIET’S ROOM

Charlie & Harriet are all alone. The voices trail off down the hallway until they disappear. Charlie and Harriet stare at each other. Harriet blocks the door. Charlie looks around the room. The Axe. The Corkscrew. The letter opener. The fountain pen. At this point, everything in the room looks like a potential weapon. Harriet takes the axe.

HARRIET
I heard you on the phone before, Charlie. There’s something I’ve got to tell you.
CHARLIE
(frightened)
Harriet, I…
HARRIET
I’ve been married before.
CHARLIE
I already know.
HARRIET
About my husbands?
CHARLIE
Yes. And I was meaning to have a word with you. We could get an annulment.
HARRIET
(screams)
AAAhhhhhhh!

Suddenly the power goes off again. They’re both in the dark. A scuffle. Charlie has restrained Harriet, throws her in a walk-in closet and locks it. From behind the door, we hear Harriet WAILING. Which continues.

Charlie picks up the axe, looks at it, relieved at his lucky escape. He rushes to the door to escape. He opens it and standing there is Rose.

CHARLIE
Aaaaah, Rose, I never thought I’d be so glad to see you.

Rose smiles. Charlie puts down the axe. The lights flicker back on.

CHARLIE
(going to the phone)
Maybe the phones are working again by now.

He listens for a dial tone. Beside the phone he sees a note. He starts to read is:

CHARLIE
‘Dear, Harriet. I just can’t handle the commitment. I’m leaving you.’ Signed, ‘Charlie.’

And behind him Rose approaches with the axe raised.

CHARLIE
What the hell is this? I didn’t write this?

And at that moment he turns to find the AXE BEING FLUNG THROUGH THE AIR AT his head. He ducks just in time.

CHARLIE
What the fuck?!

She takes another swing and she hits the lamp off the desk and the room is in complete DARKNESS.

ROSE
Charlie. Why did you marry Harriet? I warned you not to marry her, didn’t I? I warned all of them. But none of them listened to me. They all went ahead and married her. She’s the pretty one. Where’s Harriet? What have you done with my sister, Harriet?
CHARLIE
Nothing, Rose.
ROSE
If you’ve done something to my sister, Harriet, I swear to God I’ll kill you.

We stay in Charlie’s hip pocket as he tries to get away from what he can’t see. He stays very silent.

HARRIET
(from the closet)
Where are you, Charlie? What’s going on?

Then Rose strikes a match. She lights a candle and comes toward him. He looks around. The window is open. And Charlie is gone.

INT. COMMANDEERED CAR - NIGHT

Tony and the commandeered man drive through the swampy, winding road on the way up to the hotel. Tony is drumming on the dash.

MAN
Could you stop doing that please?

EXT. CASTLE-LIKE ROUND TOWER/LEDGE OF TOWER - NIGHT

Charlie tightropes along the ledge of the building. The storm continues. Rose comes out on the ledge and starts to chase him. He rounds the bend. Charlie looks into one room and sees MR. & MRS. LEVENSTEIN there. There’s loud OPERA MUSIC playing in the room

CHARLIE
Call the police!

INT. THE LEVENSTEIN’S ROOM - NIGHT SAME

The Levensteins prepare for bed. Charlie races by their window. Then Rose races by.

CHARLIE
Call the police!

Mr. Levenstein closes the curtains. He can’t hear.

EXT. LEDGE - NIGHT

Charlie races along the slippery ledge, almost falling at several points. Rose then appears on the roof holding the Axe, still.

ROSE
(mostly to herself;

slurring most words)

Charlie, did you like your note? I thought it was pretty accurate. I did all the husbands’ notes. I can forge anyone’s handwriting, I can write in anyone’s style. See, I’m an artist. Harriet isn’t an artist. Sure she could get a husband, but she could never have done this. And you know what I’m most proud of?
CHARLIE
What’s that, Rose?
ROSE
Harriet never knew. She thought they all just left her. I protected her. She’s my sister.

Charlie turns and runs. Rose chases him.

INT. BEDROOM

Tony breaks into the room with his gun drawn.

TONY
(shouting)
Charlie!
HARRIET
(from closet)
Tony, is that you? It’s me, Harriet. I’m in here.

Carefully, Tony opens the closet door.

HARRIET
Tony, Rose is trying to kill Charlie. They’re out on the ledge.
TONY
(not believing)
Get on the floor and put your hands behind your back.

Harriet willingly goes on the floor.

HARRIET
Sure, anything. You’ve got to save Charlie.

Tony slaps cuffs on her and takes her to the window.

INT. BEDROOM

Tony is standing with his back to the window, between it and Harriet. She looks out of the window and screams.

HARRIET
Look! It’s Charlie!

From Harriet’s POV we see Charlie on the ledge edging along. He stops in horror when he sees Harriet, glances back to the pursuing Rose, and rushes off.

Tony looks behind him out the window. Nobody is there.

TONY
Nice try.
HARRIET
I swear to you… It was Charlie… Look! Now there’s Rose!

Rose looks into the room, with the axe in her hand.

TONY
No you don’t.
HARRIET
I beg you… Look! It is Rose.
TONY
Oh no, not again.
(he glances at the

window)

Aaaaah! Rose.

INT. LEVENSTEIN’S WINDOW

There is opera music playing. Charlie rushes by, past the window. There is a beat and he comes back, staring inside in amazement.

REVERSE ANGLE

Mr. Levenstein is in a Viking outfit. Mrs. Levenstein is in full Norse Regalia.

INT. LEVENSTEIN’S WINDOW

Charlie gulps and rushes on, hastily pursued by Rose.

INT. THE ROOF

Rose pulls the Axe back and swings, and the momentum of the swing pulls her feet out from under her, and on the slippery icy roof she falls and starts to slide.

Just as she’s about to go off the fifty foot high roof, Charlie climbs down the roof. He stands over her. She’s about to slip. Her hands are losing strength. Her fingers are slipping. The rain is falling harder and harder.

Charlie walks over to the cage where she’s hanging on for life.

He leans down to help her up, but just as he grabs on to her hand, the drainpipe she’s holding onto slips.

She is now dangling from the roof, the rain falling harder and harder. Charlie now is nowhere near her. He then gets down on his knees on the roof and starts to climb down the side of the drainpipe to get her.

Rose looks up helplessly at him. Not really asking for his help. Not denying it. She’s accepted her fate.

Policemen, ambulances and spectators have gathered below in bunches as Charlie climbs down the drainpipe, he himself hanging on for dear life.

He just reaches out far enough to grab her hand, and just as he does, her drainpipe tears and falls into the crowd below. Charlie, then with all his strength ‑‑ his “where has this strength been my whole life” strength ‑‑ pulls her up to the roof next to him.

Several policemen make their way onto the roof and come over to where Charlie is detaining Rose. The police take her, handcuff her and cart her away. From the corner of the roof appears Tony.

TONY
I hate to bother you on your honeymoon, Charlie, but…

Charlie looks beyond Tony and sees Harriet standing in the doorway. He goes over and puts his arm around Harriet.

CHARLIE
Thank God. I’m sorry I doubted you, but I thought you were the killer, but you were acting pretty strange?
HARRIET
I thought you were going to leave me, like the others. Thank God they were just murdered. I thought they were always leaving me.

Below, Rose is put into a police car and taken off. The SIRENS disappear. So do the crowds.

DISSOLVE INTO:

THE SOUND OF A CROWD IN A CLUB:

INT. SPILETTI’S COFFEE HOUSE

Charlie is on stage looking very beatnik. He’s reading his poetry, but we can’t hear it. He nods to someone off stage. Harriet is in the audience, also looking very beatnik with their three year old son, STUART, a miniature beatnik version of Charlie.

CHARLIE (V.O.)
My dad was right. You don’t lose your muse once you’re married. Nothing changed, except I gained a great son, Stuart.

SOUND UP on Charlie’s poetry.

CHARLIE
MARRIED MAN MOST MERRY AND IN CONCLUSION
CROWD AND CHARLIE
THIS POEM SUCKS.

The crowd goes crazy.

CHARLIE
Thank you very much.

HOUSE MUSIC kicks on. It’s Saturday Night by the Bay City Rollers.

BAY CITY ROLLERS
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT

Charlie comes off stage and joins his wife and child at their table. He is very happy.

FADE OUT:

THE END


Matt Lee <mattl@cnuk.org> BY-SA GitLab Glitch